Jesus said a lot about prayer in the New Testament. Pray for those who hate you. Pray privately, not publicly "as the hypocrites are," and "use not vain repetitions." Pray to not enter into temptation. Pray in humility.

He sure as hell didn't say anything about praying while serving as a tyrant's photo op, as a dozen Catholic bishops did last month in the Oval Office.

They stood around President Donald Trump as he sat with his eyes closed and tiny hands clasped, a prayer stance about as convincing as when he holds a Bible. Denver Archbishop James Golka then laid his hand on Trump's shoulder, thanked God for "the gift of this office and presidency" and asked the Holy Spirit to protect the U.S. "against any influence of evil."

Too late!

A majority of Catholic voters chose Trump in 2024, but polls show that many of my brethren now regret that decision and want to repent. The backlash against the bishops was furious enough that four of them have since either apologized or insisted that they weren't endorsing anyone.

One of the four, Bishop William Joensen of Des Moines, said he wished he had remembered Jesus' warning to the apostles that "I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves. Be ye therefore wise as serpents and harmless as doves."

That's great advice for voters in this election, Catholic or not. We can deliver a historic rebuke to a president who needs a rebuttal on the level of Saul of Tarsus. And part of that is praying for Trump's soul — after all, in three of the four Gospels, Jesus proclaims that he was sent to heal the sick, not the healthy.

And who's more ill right now than President Cheesecake Factory?

But we can't follow the weak-salsa example of the bishops. We need to be like their Episcopal contemporary Mariann Budde, who told Trump and other members of his regime during an interfaith service the day after his 2025 inauguration: "In the name of our God, I ask you to have mercy on the people in our country who are scared now."

So I offer the following prayer with a rosary in one hand and my completed ballot in the other:

Lord, we thank you for this fragile gift of democracy, fought for by people greater than us, but which has been under peril for the past decade because of a Great Deceiver who allows Bibles to be sold in his name, image and likeness.

We thank you that despite his many attempts to divide and further sink us into a swamp of hate, our republic still stands and awaits another Great Awakening.

Please deliver us from the evil that is Trump, who's in the same class as Pharaoh, Herod, Nebuchadnezzar and all the terrible rulers in the Old and New Testaments but especially Jeroboam, whose minting of two golden calves to draw the Israelites into idol worship seems holy compared with the globs of gilt that the president has splattered across the White House.

We pray that people turn from this false idol and follow your Son's repeated admonitions in the Gospel to stand by the meek, the poor, the outcast and especially the foreigner, whom you instructed us in Leviticus "shall be unto you as one born among you."

We ask you lift up the good candidates and curse the bad ones by making them lose and tossing them into the Gehenna that is Newsmax.

Grant voters the clarity to see that too many Republican leaders have blasphemed your name by claiming to be Christians yet staying quiet or openly supporting an administration that treats the Ten Commandments like a dry-erase board.

We ask for your blessing on all election workers persecuted by the Justice Department because of Trump's false conspiracy of ballot rigging. We ask that you hit up your homeboy Allah and tell him to remind Trump's Southern California Beelzebub, devout Muslim and First Assistant U.S. Atty. Bill Essayli, of the Quran's teaching that those who "spread corruption in the land — it is they who will be condemned and will have the worst abode."

Yahweh, open the heart of Vice President JD Vance, who rightfully stands by his Indian American non-Christian wife and their brown children while many in his own party loathe them, yet can't find the same empathy for those he wants deported. Or at least convince him that lecturing Pope Leo XIV on Catholicism is like me giving batting tips to Shohei Ohtani.

May angels accompany Pope Leo's mail-in ballot from the Vatican to the proper Chicago precinct so it doesn't get sequestered in permanent limbo by the Justice Department.

May Jesus appear on the breakfast sandwiches of the conservative Catholic majority that lords over the U.S. Supreme Court, the way Christ once appeared on a flour tortilla.

I ask you, o King of Kings, to have mercy on those who fell under the spell of Trump despite knowing in their hearts of hearts they were wrong. On those who didn't vote at all because they felt it wouldn't matter. On those who could have done more to push back but didn't, because they were afraid. Bless them with newfound courage to do what's right.

Protect those whom Trump has wronged, which is basically everyone in this country except tech bros, foreign dictators and men with great asses.

Bring prudence to Democratic leaders if they do take over the House of Representatives and the Senate, and cure them of the folly that would be a third impeachment attempt.

Humble Gov. Gavin Newsom — just humble him already.

And I pray once again that you save Donald Trump. You are a god of miracles, so I still have faith that you can reach him, or at least render him as powerless as an orange match trying to stay lit as a blue wave comes crashing down on it.

Lord, in your name we pray. Amen.

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