TikTok videos and tweets aren't long because you can't get anyone to pay attention to anything for long, not unless it's "Lord of the Rings," and they've seen it six times. If the Second Amendment to the Constitution were longer, not nearly as many people would be able to quote the whole thing.
In Ukraine, where stray dogs are eating dead ...Read more
There is a legend (or they say there is) that, if you go to Rome, you can pitch pocket change into one of the fountains and it will draw you back to Rome. This is good if you enjoyed your first trip to Rome. If you were beaten and robbed on your first trip to Rome, for God's sake, don't drop any money in the fountain.
But that's not how fairy ...Read more
Ukraine is fighting for its life, and the United States is sending weapons, and the price of gasoline is up.
Which of the above statements is the most important?
If you said the price of gas, then congratulations! You're as right as Glenn Beck and the late Rush Limbaugh on a three-day pill bender during an NRA convention.
Not being able to ...Read more
School shooters always take more than the limit.
Let me explain.
When I hunted doves in the Midwest, the game laws allowed you to shoot 10 doves a day, and you were allowed to have 20 dead ones in your possession. Any more and you got fined.
Doves are hard to hit, too. A dove flies not in a straight line but in zigs and zags, like a child ...Read more
Things I liked when I was in fourth grade:
My dog. He was a big boxer dog named Joey. He had big black jowls and sad brown eyes, and he loved me.
My mother. She was a bank bookkeeper. She used to take me to downtown Taunton, Massachusetts, on Friday nights, back when the whole world got paid on Friday, and she would buy me a limeade at the ...Read more
If there's one thing Vladimir Putin's mob has in common with the warriors of the American white nationalist movement, it's that both groups like killing civilians, and neither group does well against soldiers.
"We'll take Kyiv in six weeks!" the manifesto of war declares.
They do not. They start killing old ladies and 11-year-old girls because...Read more
I am not frail. I go to a gym. I lift weights. I walk pretty fast. I carry in the groceries when my wife, Deborah, comes back from the market. We live in a second-floor apartment, so the grocery carrying is harder than it sounds. I haven't lost my hair.
All that age-denying ego puffery aside, I turned 65 yesterday, a little after 7 p.m.
And my...Read more
I'm not sure who still pulls the wishbone when they eat turkey. The tradition belongs to "throw salt over your shoulder America."
Briefly, when you have turkey, say, on Thanksgiving, you let the turkey's "wishbone" dry out for a couple days, and then one of you takes hold of one end, one of you takes hold of the other, and you pull until the ...Read more
There are only two really "American" responses to war anywhere in the world.
1. Let 'em kill each other. We can't be the world's police.
2. Let's get in on this!
Generally, American foreign policy begins with the first and ends with the second. Sometimes, we take Berlin. Sometimes, we take off out of Vietnam like a scalded hound.
In a nation...Read more
Having snuck past the tequila of my 20s, defeated the heart-cracking stress of my reporter days, and still peering out from under a lifetime mountain of pipe tobacco, I am less than a month from turning 65.
This is unimportant. The head-to-toe black and white nuns at St. Jacques School long ago assured me that my life was unimportant. Death is ...Read more
If that stupid coach hadn't cut us from our high school football team, we'd have made quarterback, we'd have played in college, we'd have played professional ball, we'd have married a cat-eyed model named Shiloh.
If we hadn't gotten married, and then the kids, that Harley in the garage might not be something we ride on Sundays when ...Read more
I remember young love. I remember young lust. I remember young pain and young pleasure, when the moon was yellow as gold and my nerves were very close to the skin. Everything that didn't arouse me either hurt me, or made me laugh. I was young, flat-bellied, prime-y and rooster-ish.
Me and my buddies talked about girls who weren't women yet, and...Read more
If he squints his eyes just a bit, tilts his head back slightly and sticks his jaw out just a little, Alex Jones can look defiant.
Faced with a lawsuit, Jones folds up like a toy, tries to buy off the people suing him and, like any ordinary junkie, doesn't show up for his court appearances. If everyone showed up for every court appearance, most...Read more