If nothing goes really wrong, President Donald J. Trump can win re-election. This is particularly true if the Democratic Party runs some caricature of liberalism like Elizabeth Warren. She'd be a better president than Trump, but she'd be a worse candidate than Hillary Clinton. Female, extremely liberal and from Massachusetts, she'd get the same ...Read more
I really believe President Donald Trump, big-brained, many-worded upholder of the Bible and the flag, could forget the words to "99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall." After all, he forgets he's married from time to time. Hello, Stormy? President Elvis is waiting in the jungle room.
Well, maybe Trump wouldn't forget the words to "99 Bottles of Beer...Read more
A lot of the women President Donald Trump knows can be seen naked on the internet: his wife, Stormy Daniels, Kim Kardashian.
When you catch your teenage daughter sending naked pictures of herself to her boyfriend, don't get tense.
"Keep doing that, honey, and you'll be the first lady someday," you should tell her. "You want daddy to buy you a ...Read more
"The last P, well, that's not that simple
It's sorta like another way to call a cat a kitten"
--O.P.P. Naughty By Nature
God bless hip-hop, which leadeth me from the unsuitable metaphor.
Hey, at least it's old school hip-hop, which is in line with our ancient president, who believes that all good things happened between the writing of the...Read more
When readers send me emails, they often ask me for one of my favorite recipes.
OK, so they don't.
Usually when readers send me emails, they call me a "filthy communist," suggest that I move to another country, or sometimes offer to shoot me in case I'm too scared of guns to shoot myself.
But it's a luxurious life being a columnist, and I ...Read more
I like a cigar every so often.
I smoke Te-Amo cigars, a relatively cheap Mexican brand that the cigar reviewers says has an "earthy" flavor. They taste a little like dirt, is what they taste like, but cigar reviewers write in a style that begs to be read in a leather chair, so they're not gonna write "tastes like dirt."
I like bacon with ...Read more
In the city where I live, we have 88,000 people, 17 dollar stores and a Walmart.
This why North Korea backed down.
North Korea, for those of you who belong to the tea party, is cuddled up right next to China.
The maniac running North Korea doesn't give a damn about the maniac running the United States of America.
He does, however, give a ...Read more
I'm 60. I'll be 61 next month. If life is a 9-5 shift at work, I've just returned from my 3 p.m. coffee break. I'll be getting off work soon. Because I personally have always envisioned death as an endless fifth grade snow day, I'm fine with the approaching end of my shift.
Still, there's mighty little to celebrate about advancing age, and if...Read more
Sean Hannity and Alex Jones, two men who pick at American journalism the way small birds peck at the carcass of a pig, are both in legal trouble.
Myself, after 34 years as a reporter and columnist, I do not use the word "journalist" if I can stop myself in time. I believe in the crippled, nicotine-stained stained old newsroom joke which sayeth,...Read more
President Donald Trump, a pus-filled boil on the American backside, could learn what to expect from a long ago friend of mine who made his living as a professional criminal.
"You can do crimes for 10 years, and you never get arrested," he said. "You get arrested once, you get arrested every 23 months for the rest of your life."
Of course, the ...Read more
I remember my bartender father coming home with scraped knuckles.
"I could tell when the guy walked in there was something wrong with him," Pop said as my mother poured Mercurochrome into the small abrasions, the results of breaking up a fight and having to hit the guy who looked like something was wrong with him.
"Geez, I hate being right," ...Read more
Down in Louisiana, where the alligators grow fat and the politicians aren't far behind, where, in some communities, generations of semiliterate people have lived knee-deep in the toxic sewer of the oil industry, the cops shot Alton Sterling in 2016. Recently, the last door closed on Sterling. There will be no charges filed against the officers. ...Read more
Back in 2006, President Donald J. Trump is supposed to have played a brief game of bump and shove with a porn star named after a bottle of whiskey.
Trump met Ms. Stormy Daniels, the star of "Sex Door Neighbors," when she was appearing with Trump at a celebrity golf tournament, an event that can best be described as "money porn." Trump ...Read more