ArcaMax

Former President Donald Trump didn't get arrested today. In celebration, I took out the trash.

I was going downstairs to get the mail, and my wife gave me some trash to take out and reminded me that a half-dozen of my shirts were in the dryer, waiting to come upstairs.

And maybe this is how we've always experienced great historical events. Two...Read more

In the olden times, which my mother remembered very well, near the beginning of the last century, Irish Americans celebrated St. Patrick's Day by going to Mass and wearing a little bit of green, a ribbon on the lapel perhaps.

This was religious and boring.

In response, city governments, beer companies and makers of plastic green derby hats "...Read more

I guess it started when I tried to figure out if smoking weed is liberal or conservative. I don't smoke weed, but it's legal in Massachusetts, where I live. That means it's got to be liberal because Massachusetts is a "liberal commie" state. We're a liberal commie state because we allow abortion, and we don't let you buy 16 automatic weapons the...Read more

Here's another lesson from the really boring frontlines of real, small-time journalism.

Because I don't look good on television, I spent a lot of years toiling for a midsize daily newspaper. Like most dailies of our size, we had a deep and constant commitment to covering politics and its ugly brother, meetings. Every small town in the area ...Read more

Are you dead?

Probably not. You're reading this column.

Am I dead? Well, not right now. I'm writing. Of course, by the time you read this, I could be the star of an underattended $2,500 wake and funeral held at the funeral home that provided a similar bargain burial for my late mother. Ten years before she died, my mother and I had the only ...Read more

What do you think the government should stop, drag queen story time at the public library or mass shootings?

You better not have answered mass shootings, because you got no shot at ending those.

None.

In this country, we eat a lot of chicken wings, and we shoot a lot of grade school kids. In this country, we like frozen pizza and being shot ...Read more

Dear Madonna,

I'm 65, and I look like hell.

No. Really.

I'm about 20 pounds over my fighting weight. I have more hair in my ears than either one of my cats. I have a mole under my right eye that didn't show up until I was 62, but the doctor says it's nothing to worry about.

No. Really.

Since the mole isn't dangerous, my insurance won't pay ...Read more

I remember when cops on duty used to wear those bulgy-looking shoes that were, in fact, ordinary dress shoes. They wore them for ceremonial occasions, too, and they wore them to church and to the baptisms of their children and when they took their wives out for a steak dinner in some restaurant with paneled walls and a menu item called "Jell-O ...Read more

Last week, because, as my wife puts it, "You think you're funny," I referred to Rep. George Santos as Rep. George Santos (nee Horowitz.)

The joke was that Santos is a carnival of lies and once alluded to a Jewish heritage he doesn't have just to get some votes.

See, that's why giving the guy a Jewish "maiden name" was funny.

Turned out, I was...Read more

It's not a pretty story, but it really happened.

A number of years ago, the paper I was working for sent me and a photographer to a local high school. The high school was having a presentation aimed at convincing their students not to get pregnant during their high school years. The dropout rate was high. Test scores were low. It probably wasn'...Read more

Remember the big trucker protest convoy of, what, last year?

Yeah, a bunch of the concrete cowboys who drive the big rigs rolled into Washington, D.C., to protest COVID-19 vaccinations and restrictions.

And then?

I don't remember. Hardy anyone does.

The guys who did the driving remember, but I'll bet they don't talk about it much.

Meanwhile...Read more

I paid $20 for a ham and Swiss cheese omelet this morning. The omelet came with fried potatoes, two slices of white toast and coffee. It wasn't an upscale restaurant, either. The guy sitting next to me at the counter had plaster dust on his boots. A couple of years ago, one of the patrons had a dope seizure in the booth by the back door.

But I ...Read more

On the way into the drugstore, I ejected the stump of a cigar from my mouth and put it out with the heel of my shoe. These days, smoking in a store is as bad as smoking in a church, which was almost the only place you couldn't smoke when I was a kid. If you don't remember a woman in the market, squeezing a tomato with a cigarette hanging out of ...Read more