ArcaMax

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — A new YouGov poll has asked a burning question: Could you knock out President Donald Trump in a punch-up? The answers are a far cry from what you might assume — particularly if you’re exposed to social media noise and stereotypes forged through relentless marketing and messaging.

Among American adults surveyed, just over half said that they could take him, including 82 percent of Democratic men and 71 percent of Democratic women. Even more hilariously, 54 percent of Democrats went as far as presuming that even an 8-year-old boy could throw down his lunchbox and get the job done.

But it’s on the Republican side where things get really funky. Just 46 percent of Republican men — 25 percent less than Democratic women — and a meager 19 percent of GOP women told the pollster that they could personally win a physical fight against Trump. We’re talking about someone who’s turning 80 years old next month and who routinely attracts spectators keen to scrutinize any outward physical manifestations for signs of failing health in the same way that Kremlinologists studied grainy footage of Brezhnev climbing stairs.

You really have to wonder what’s going on here with this data. YouGov’s fine print notes that their survey was done online among nearly 3,000 adults, and explicitly weighed factors like age, race and education. So one can’t argue that they just rung up a bunch of care homes on the Republican side. Or a bunch of gyms and sports bars on the Democratic side.

To make all this easier to understand, let’s distill the data down to a single representative person for each cohort.

For Democratic women, let’s take former First Lady Michelle Obama. It’s not much of a stretch that she would be able to take on Trump. There’s also the case of Democratic women who may not actually be able to, but whose motivation would impart a great deal of confidence in their own abilities. The 92-year-old feminist activist Gloria Steinem comes to mind in that regard, having famously reduced Trump to a mere “toupée.” At a certain point, ideological conviction probably functions like a performance-enhancing drug.

On the male Democrat side, former President Barack Obama would fit the image conveyed by the data. Or even Senator Bernie Sanders, who at age 84 is even older than Trump, but whose rallies and activism still project the kind of energy that could plausibly be redirected into a right hook.

What’s clear is that we’re a far cry from the image of the feckless leftist sitting around brushing dirt off their organic carrots while neglecting to defend even their own self-interest amid rampant wokeism. In reality, progressives are less like pacifist hippies and more like people who own “coexist” bumper stickers while entertaining fantasies of turning opponents into speed bumps.

But stereotypes peddled on the right often suggest that their opponents are weak victims of life and circumstances. That their laissez-faire attitude is evidence of passivity. Yet people who casually imagine themselves clocking the president and walking away victorious are clearly not experiencing themselves as helpless. Their politics should be understood in that context.

Don't make this mistake of conflating style with substance. Democrats may talk like therapists, but increasingly imagine themselves as fighters. There’s a set of boxing gloves lurking in that NPR tote bag.

Now, on the Republican side, who would the quintessential man be, as suggested by this data? Again, we’re talking about someone who thinks Trump can physically dominate them, or maybe just likes imagining it aloud to pollsters. Either way, it’s not a flattering picture.

We’re not talking about Erik Prince, the fit, freedom-minded, GOP donor and founder of Blackwater private security. Or Republican former California governor and action star, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or any of the Republican gym bros peddling supplements online and growling lifestyle advice into webcams. That’s just the branding.

Instead, the data suggests that the average GOP dude is actually more like Senator Lindsey Graham or former Trump National Security Adviser John Bolton. Couldn’t possibly take Trump in a fight. More like just fluff him up. The archetype here isn’t rugged independence so much as nervous deference dressed up as toughness. And their insecurity plays out with public cash and the constant need to arm up. See Iran for the latest example. And Venezuela before that.

And what about the average GOP woman, almost none of whom think they could take down Trump physically? We’re not talking here about former female soldiers or businesswomen who advocate in favor of freedom and independence. Apparently she’s more like your typical Mar-a-Lago socialite: soft-spoken, deferential, agreeable and performing the role expected of her. One might even say that it’s a form of female impersonation in the same spirit as drag queens. The polling data suggests that many conservative women have internalized the idea that strength, agency and confrontation belong to someone else. Or else are just role playing as such.

The bottom line is that Republicans may talk like fighters, but increasingly behave like loyal courtiers.

The bottom line is that modern American politics has become a theatrical performance divorced from reality. The side marketed as soft increasingly fantasizes about confrontation, while the side marketed as hard seeks protection and paternal dominance. It’s no wonder the two sides struggle to understand each other when both are still operating off stereotypes that expired several political nervous breakdowns ago.