ArcaMax

PARIS — You’ve got to hand it to Donald Trump. Something really amazing is happening under his presidency — in Canada. America’s northern neighbor has never been hotter. And it has the U.S. President’s constant negging to thank.

Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has been cutting trade deals all around the world, trying to find new buyers to replace Trump’s unpredictable U.S. market amid constant tariff threats.

Much oxygen has been sucked up over the past week by hyperventilation over whether the U.S. and Canada would get a new trade deal. In the end, it doesn’t matter much.

Last week Trump himself took to social media to announce a deal, but a few minutes later Carney explicitly denied it. Regardless, any deal is just a prelude to more drama. Another episode in the endless reality show. Kind of like when you’re watching a horror movie and it seems like everyone’s about to live happily ever after. But then you check the time on the film and realize that it’s only half over — so you know that the calm is just a plot point en route to more mayhem.

Trump had initially announced 50 percent tariffs on Canadian imports to the U.S. if a deal wasn’t made to his liking and on his timeline. But when that didn’t happen, he announced a non-existent deal, declared victory, and dropped the tariffs for three days. Then, three days later, the same drama repeated itself. Everyone was on the edge of their seats wondering if Trump would really stick it to Canada by slapping a 50 percent tax on his own American voters for choosing to buy things from Canada that they clearly don’t need — like wood. Guess Americans can always turn to their next biggest supplier for that: China.

Canadians are over all the suspense over whether Trump will tax Americans because he’s frustrated with his geopolitical dating life. They've disembarked from this roller-coaster. Trump demanded that Canada put American booze back on Canadian shelves. Carney said OK. But it’s not like he can make Canadians buy it. And no one knows that better than Carney. Especially when there’s a petition signed by a quarter-million Canadians, and counting, to have Trump’s ambassador to Canada, Pete Hoekstra, expelled for foreign interference, over established links to a voter identification app that just happens to be used by a Canadian separatist movement that has also met with Trump State Department officials.

The U.S. president has spent the better part of his term treating Canada like a partner who can’t do any better, saying last year that it “only works” as a U.S. state, and not as a country unto itself. And that the U.S. didn’t need Canada’s energy or car manufacturing. All right, I guess this is goodbye then?

But then Trump’s like: Not so fast! Get back here! And if you don’t, I’ll make you the 51st state. Unless, of course, your Dad, King Charles — Canada’s technical head of state — really objects. In which case, Queen Elizabeth’s biographer reported, Trump indicated that he would be willing to leave Canada alone. But strictly out of respect for the King. What is this, the Middle Ages? Trump thinking that he’s negotiating with King Charles over Canada like two monarchs haggling over which kingdom gets the princess?

Although, apparently Trump did have to ask this same biographer of Canada: “Do they still recognize the King? Or have they stopped doing that?”

Only about as much as Americans are still paying attention to the dramatics of their own head of state, perhaps.

Trump also wants access to its assets on demand. The same ones whose virtues he didn’t have much use for a few minutes earlier. “The U.S. is demanding a right of first refusal on Canadian critical minerals, that Canada complete its purchase of U.S. F-35 fighter jets, that Ottawa buy U.S. tech such as radar planes as part of joining Mr. Trump’s planned Golden Dome missile defence system, and that Washington receive some guarantee on future supplies of oil and gas,” the Globe and Mail reported earlier this month.

So basically, Trump wants to keep Canada around as a tradwife. To serve him whatever and whenever he wants, to the exclusion of pursuing other meaningful relationships — all while dealing with nonstop put-downs.

It wasn't even long ago that Trump reacted to Canada’s new trade deals with China with encouragement. “I mean, it’s a good thing for him to sign a trade deal. If you can get a deal with China, you should do that,” Trump said of Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney back in January.

So what was that, exactly? Sounds like he was keen on Canada playing the field, especially since he kept saying how unattractive the country is — that he doesn’t need it or want it. Until he does, apparently.

Trump tried to show Canada who's in charge, expecting it to come crawling back. Instead, his endless threats worked like an aggressive motivational speech, compelling Canadians to come to their senses about the state of their overdependent relationship. His bullying accidentally forged national unity, giving Canadians something they've lacked for decades and what no amount of boring political rhetoric has ever been able to achieve.