ArcaMax

PARIS — NATO or Cosa Nostra? The U.S., under President Donald Trump, has just asked its transatlantic defense allies to swear allegiance to the U.S. Or, more specifically, to the way that Trump is running the U.S.

So Team Trump sent out a questionnaire to its Western defense allies, according to Bloomberg. The implication is that American troop positioning throughout Europe will go to the biggest suck-ups. And who doesn’t want troops? Except all of Europe, now that Trump can’t stop talking about grabbing Greenland by the assets. Or Canada, whose annexation — economic or otherwise — as a potential “51st state” he constantly drools over.

It used to be that a military presence — whether friendly or not — was the more acceptable way to cozy up to another country’s resources. But who needs that anymore when you can just tell them that you want them — and then tax Americans on imports from these countries until they hand them over? Or just show up with drilling equipment, like a Trump-connected U.S. oil company just did in Greenland.

American troops in NATO countries also help detect and intercept threats to the U.S. early. But who needs to worry about whether your own front door is locked when the preferred strategy is to go around kicking in everyone else’s doors, wrestling with them on their own front lawns, then declaring victory over them 152 times (and counting)? Oh yeah, you’ll probably need NATO countries’ bases to use as flophouses for your own homeboys when you inevitably get so in over your head en route to “victory” that you have to call for backup. Minor detail.

Since so many of these conventional excuses for NATO’s existence are now moot, that leaves us with the one that NATO brass hates talking about: its existence as a means for the U.S. to make money off allies under the pretext of self-protection. But now that European and Canadian allies are teaming up to buy weapons from each other, Team Trump clearly isn’t too happy. So here he comes with a questionnaire for those allies to make his priorities clear.

How about we all tackle the questions together, using Bloomberg’s reporting on the mail-out.

It wants to know whether the country in question has “been publicly supportive” of U.S. foreign policy. Like what? Trump’s riffs about invading them? That’s a no, dawg.

The survey asks whether the country has imposed any “restrictions” on American use of their bases. Spain, Italy, and France — that’s you! Here’s what you’re going to put down: “Yes, we restricted the use of our bases in your ongoing sword-measuring contest with Iran because we didn’t want you to have to share the glory of your 152 victories in that war with anyone else. Now, you can claim the win for spiking global oil prices all on your own — just like the big, strong jock at the state fair who slams the hammer down and sends the puck flying up the tower to ring the bell so hard that it breaks.”

Are you spending money on U.S. defense contractors, the survey wants to know. Or have you “publicly opposed regulations” that “inhibit” such contracts? Answer: “Who would ever want to do that? Mercenaries policing themselves in foreign countries seems perfectly adequate. Besides, it seems like the U.S. has it all under control now that Trump has just removed the transparency requirement— er, I mean annoyance — for companies to report beneficial ownership.

What’s better than unregulated mercenaries? Unregulated mercenaries unaccountable to anyone, right?”

“Has the country shown alignment with the U.S. approach to ‘strong, clear, and quiet’?” Team Trump asks. OK, so now we know that War Secretary Hegseth is ghostwriting at least part of this thing. “We do not approach…with needless confrontation, but with a posture of measured and deliberate strength. Our focus is strong, quiet, and clear,” Hegseth said in a talk back in May.

Answer: “You’re asking whether Europeans and Canadians are quieter and more measured than Team Trump? Clearly not. Not even Gandhi himself could be considered quieter or more measured than Team Trump. But we can only keep striving, and trust that you’ll continue to be quiet and measured about our continued failure in this regard.”

What do you think of America’s ejection of Maduro from Venezuela, the questionnaire asks. Answer: “Now there’s a blast from the past! Into which cosmic black hole did that guy — the internationally recognized president of Venezuela— disappear after you guys kidnapped him, anyway?

Where can we send care packages? Through Secretary of State and ‘Venezuelan Viceroy’ Marco Rubio, perhaps?”

And finally, the survey wants proof that these countries are spending more on weapons, asking how much is being spent on U.S. defense firms, and also whether the country has spoken out against “made in Europe” policies. Answer: “Only about as much as Trump has advocated for ‘made in America’ policies. Maybe even a bit less.”

So there you have it. Forget NATO. This is the family business now. You buy from the Don, host the Don’s guys, praise the Don, and never question the Don’s judgment. In return, he promises to keep protecting you from the problems that he keeps creating. You should only be so lucky.