ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I have been celebrating a monthly Moms Night Out for years. There are 11 of us, and it's common practice that the restaurants we visit include an 18% gratuity in our bill because we are such a large party.

Normally this is fine; however, there have been times when we have received very poor service. If we feel the service was very poor (for example, no steak knives provided in a steak restaurant, despite several requests), are we still obliged to tip the 18% just because it was added to the bill?

I will add that we are, in general, a pretty forgiving group and we do understand the logistics of serving such a large party. It takes a lot for us to consider downsizing the tip.

GENTLE READER: No, you cannot refuse to pay the entire amount. And Miss Manners does not wish to discourage including service in the bill.

The system of allowing restaurant patrons to make a subjective decision that directly affects a server's livelihood is not working. Yes, even when that decision comes from forgiving people like yourselves.

You may, however, politely complain -- and escalate it to management, if necessary. Giving feedback while there is still a chance to correct the behavior -- even if that feedback needs to be given repeatedly -- is more effective than monetary punishment afterwards.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a middle-aged widow. My husband and I were together for 23 years. He was blessed with a wonderful family, and I've maintained my acquaintance with them since his passing.

One Christmas, my late husband's sister passed out envelopes to every adult female member of the family, whether related by blood or marriage -- except me. She did this right in front of me and even said "sorry" in my direction. The envelopes contained tickets to a classic musical in our city. All the ladies were crowing with delight.

I was gobsmacked. I went to the bathroom to hide my tears at the snub, where I then spent a long time getting my face and eyes back to normal. I only came out when someone needed to use the bathroom.

This sister-in-law has frequently told me I'm her favorite sister-in-law. I don't know what could've happened between us. I feel she should have arranged this more tactfully -- perhaps sending me out for emergency supplies before handing out the tickets, or conducting this gift-giving by mail.

Mind, I had no idea this musical was in town, and had no particular desire to see it; it was only the snub that broke my heart. I have felt constrained in her presence ever since. I don't know what I should've done or what I can do now.

GENTLE READER: Ask your sister-in-law not why she overlooked you, but why she apologized. This will force her to examine the impact of her actions, not justify them with defensive reasoning.

And then, Miss Manners recommends, casually mention other exciting plans you have the same night. This could irk her or make her feel better. Either one works.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN