ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are professionals who contribute generously to many charities. Of late, however, we are noticing an unsavory practice of certain "society hosts" who head various charities: They invite us to their galas and parties, charging for the honor of being invited in order to raise money for the charity.

We have gladly attended such affairs in the past and written checks -- until we noticed that these grand dames occasionally had private parties to which we were never included.

Is it tacky for us to decide that we do not wish to be used in such a manner -- that is, only invited to a pay-if-you-come social occasion because of our checkbook? Once, when I actually had the temerity to complain to one of these socialites that I was rather tired of only being called when they wanted me to write a check, I was told, "Oh! But we thought you WANTED to contribute to our charity!"

Am I hopelessly incorrigible, ungrateful and a bad sport to expect that such hostesses should occasionally entertain me because they might actually enjoy my company, not just because I can add to their coffers for a good cause?

And how would you suggest I handle future requests to continue writing them generous checks?

GENTLE READER: Your desire not to sully genuine friendships with what is essentially a business transaction, albeit one for a good cause, is entirely in line with Miss Manners' own thinking on the subject. Where she admits to confusion is in the order of events.

Had you been invited to what appeared to be a social event and then surprised with a request for money, her horror would have matched your own.

But what exactly did you think you were getting into? You were asked to put down cash to spend time with these people, and then afterwards, you expected to mean as much to them as they meant to you? The 19th century had a genre of literature based on this premise, but the reader was expected to know that it was fantasy, because the vendor did not have a heart of gold and the client was a bit naive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When having guests over for dinner, I am unable to find a gracious way to refuse alcohol to those who will be driving. I generally don't give it as an option when asking what they would like to drink, but they often request a glass of wine nonetheless.

It's not that I associate with lushes and felons, but I personally would prefer not to serve any alcohol to a designated driver.

GENTLE READER: The gracious -- and perfectly acceptable -- way is not to serve alcohol to anyone.

Miss Manners assumes that people are asking because they see it being offered to other guests, a problem that would go away if it was nowhere in evidence. Any other solution, even one motivated by a desire to protect your guests from harm, cannot avoid also looking like an intrusion into their personal autonomy and a negative judgment on their character.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN