ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my friend of over 50 years and I lived only an hour and a half from each other, I spent a great deal of time at her house. This included spending time with her husband, and we all got along very well.

But on their 45th wedding anniversary, which was my last time to visit as I was moving away, her husband propositioned me. I said no, twice.

Then he asked that I not say anything to her. I said I wouldn't.

I feel everything has changed, but I cannot explain to her why I cannot spend time with her at her home when I travel back. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: One can understand the feeling that honoring the promise to your friend's husband is a test of your own word, not his right to make such a request.

But there is a limit to what can be expected of such a promise, given in a moment of surprise. If your friend asks why you are suggesting meetings that exclude the husband, you can eventually say that your friendship is with her, not him.

Miss Manners realizes this invites a direct question, but in doing so it clears your conscience: If your friend poses that question, you can now answer it; if she does not, it is reasonable to conclude that she knew something of her husband's character all along.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I joined a group of friends for a restaurant week dinner. We ordered a bottle of wine to go with our dinner and offered some to others, but no one partook.

Shortly before the check came, one of the wives went to use the restroom. When the check came, we were prepared to pay for the wine ourselves and split the rest of the check, since the costs were all equal.

The husband of the wife who went to use the restroom loudly declared that we would just split the entire check evenly and forget about the wine. We protested, but he insisted on paying that way.

When the transaction was completed and we were leaving the table, his wife returned from the restroom and glanced at the receipt. She gave her husband a puzzled look, he just sort of shrugged his shoulders and they left.

Later we heard from a mutual friend that the wife was telling people that she couldn't believe how cheap we were to make everyone else pay for our wine, meaning her husband did not own up to her about his role here.

We are unsure of how to confront this matter since the wife has not directed any of her displeasure to us and we do not want to disclose to her that someone told us what she had been saying. Who is really in the wrong here?

GENTLE READER: Although she can confirm that you were ill-treated, Miss Manners doubts this knowledge alone would be a strong motive for your own continued good behavior. For that, you need a way to set the record straight.

She will therefore volunteer one. Give the mutual friend a puzzled look and say you do not understand -- you tried to pay for the wine, but the husband insisted on an even split.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN