ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One's bank account, knowledge of formal social rules and ability to follow table etiquette are not necessarily synonymous with true graciousness, consideration and courtesy. In fact, they may be covering up one's insincerity and disdain for others. I find it unfair that the well-dressed and seemingly more refined are often ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Aloha! I've hosted many houseguests over the years, most with no problems, but occasionally I've had a few bad ones. How do you handle people who come into your home and totally rearrange everything to suit themselves?

I believe in being as accommodating and hospitable as I can. But I had two incidents of people who wanted ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an older gay man, and married my husband three years ago. A college friend, female, invited me, just me, to her family's lakeside cottage for the weekend.

I spent many wonderful times at that cottage ever since college. This friend's entire family considered me family, right up until I got married. I invited her, her ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a trip to our local library, I used my elbow to activate the entrance door by pressing the handicap button on the side. I did this to avoid touching the door handle. My 7-year-old daughter said she thought it was inappropriate for me to use the button, as I am not disabled.

I started to explain why it was acceptable for ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our extended family just had a weeklong reunion at a rental house on the shore. I organized it and initially paid the full rent. All week long, family members thanked me graciously in a tone of voice that seemed to indicate they knew I had paid.

The final day, one of my brothers handed me a check for 30% of the rent. I ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter has been ill for 13 years with a rare, chronic, often-debilitating disease. She finally had an allogenic bone marrow transplant, but has not responded as well as we'd hoped. People have brought us meals and done other thoughtful things, and many donated money to help with expenses. Her husband took unpaid family ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed lately that I am often skipped. The other day, it was at the doctor's office: The lady behind me started talking to the receptionist while signing in, and was then promptly checked in and saw the doctor well before I did.

I did not mention it at the time, but when I was finally called back 45 minutes later, the...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had the pleasure of babysitting my neighbors' small dog for the weekend. When they returned, they tried to pay me. I politely turned down the money, saying that it was truly my pleasure and it was a favor between friends.

Later that week, I received a thank-you card in the mail that included a gift certificate. I accepted ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend was having an open house and a catered holiday meal, and she invited my husband and me and our two teenaged children. I asked if she would mind if we brought a friend of ours who had nowhere to go, no family nearby, etc.

Her response shocked me. She essentially said, How dare I ask her to bring a stray with a sob ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often enjoy the social media posts of family and friends. Typically, I post two or three times a month: almost always a personal picture or throwback photo describing something positive like a fun outing, celebration, birthday or anniversary.

However, I am becoming increasingly dismayed by the way some friends use social ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I respond when thanked by a third party for helping another person? I am happy to say You're welcome when someone thanks me on their own behalf, but I feel terribly awkward when it is a third party, particularly when I don't feel my efforts are at all above and beyond.

While the issue isn't a critical one, I would ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my son (now a young adult) was a young teenager, he met a very prominent musician. He was quite kind to my son, and inadvertently helped set his path to being a professional musician. My son wrote to him shortly after the meeting, thanking him for his time and kind words.

The musician has now died, and I want to send a ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have two sons in their 30s who were taught at a young age to say thank you, and were encouraged to write thank-you notes to the senders of gifts they received. We modeled gratitude in our behavior, as well.

Fast-forward to the past few years. They have both moved many states away, so gift-giving is remote and we are rarely...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss and I recently discovered that we have similar religious and political views. Normally this would not be a problem, but he has now taken to coming by my office several times a day to talk about religion and politics, and it's affecting my productivity.

And when I say talk about, what I really mean is that I listen for...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I will be celebrating our 51st wedding anniversary soon, and we sent out electronic invitations to nine couples to share this occasion at our favorite restaurant.

The wife of one of the couples we invited has Alzheimer's; we have not seen her for over a year and have no idea what to expect. At our last get-...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend of many years who is now a member of a fundamentalist religion. I am an atheist. She has recently started saying grace out loud when we meet for lunch at a restaurant.

At first, I awkwardly stopped eating while she said it, then I started to half-pause, half-nibble on my food until she was finished with ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I seem to have a different point of view about how tidy the house should be when visitors are expected to arrive. To that end, he will inform me if someone's planning to stop by.

For example, we planned a trip over the holidays, and he did not share with me until the evening before we left that his daughter and...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a reasonably empathetic person. I'm not a sob sister, but I do feel true sympathy for other people's misfortunes. But I have reached my limit.

If someone tells me that a family member has died, and I respond with an I'm sorry, the rejoinder is often, Not your fault. If a friend mentions her recently broken bone, her ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been cleaning houses for many years, and I have become close with one of my clients. I have been working for her since 2003. She has been very good to me over the years and has been a great inspiration, although she can come across as a little uppity.

This year for Christmas she bought me a sweater. When I opened it, ...Read more

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several months back, I reconnected with an old friend from my hometown whom I had not seen in many years. We both expressed a desire to see each other again the next time I returned to visit family.

Fortunately, COVID travel restrictions have eased, and I was recently able to visit my sister's home. Shortly after I settled in...Read more