ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that one usually does not decline gifts. One accepts the piece of bric-a-brac gracefully, and after some tactful time, regifts or donates it.

But my in-laws give us furniture. Not single pieces of treasured family heirlooms, or even a single chair -- entire suites of furniture! A bedroom set, a dining room set, enormous cabinets with hutches, etc. The last time, they actually showed up unannounced with a pickup truck full of furniture. My father-in-law proceeded to unload it on our driveway without so much as asking!

Of course, their plan is that we will get rid of our "old stuff" and use the new sets. Some of the "old" pieces are cherished antiques that I inherited from my grandmother. Some items we picked together, and represent our taste and our desires for what our home should look like. We don't want to replace them.

They clearly expect us to be filled with gratitude that we can get rid of "that ugly old bed" that is 90 years old and replace it with something from their neighbor's yard sale, and are crushed when we don't respond with delight. Apparently I am a "snob" for not wanting the great deals they've found.

My husband has tried the "Oh, Mom and Dad, you shouldn't have, you're too kind, we couldn't possibly accept ..." routine, but it's not working.

What should I do? We do not have room to keep or store all this furniture. We've filled up the garage and they're still furious that we're not using it.

How can we politely get rid of this furniture and discourage them from doing this again?

GENTLE READER: How odd that your in-laws can call your bed old and ugly, but balk at insulting their neighbor's cast-offs by not using them.

The time has come to abandon that subtle routine of your husband's and let them know plainly, although regretfully, that you can no longer accept their generosity. Your house is fully furnished and you do not have room for more.

And then, Miss Manners might cheekily add that as they love their finds, you would be happy to drop them off at their house. Surely your car would be grateful to have the garage back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dad had a self-defense habit of protecting his food when he was just a boy in a large family (mostly boys) with hardly enough food for all. According to him, he quickly took his portion at the table and then immediately spit on it. Was this bad manners, or an acceptable act?

GENTLE READER: While your dad might argue that he was engaging in battle tactics, even the rules of war have violations. Spitting on your food is always bad manners. And disgusting.

Which is why Miss Manners has no doubt it was effective.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN