Don't Put Guests, Or Potential Voters, On The Spot
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation from neighbors to a house party to meet a mayoral candidate in our town. I RSVPed that I hoped I could make it, even though I already knew that I supported another candidate, the incumbent mayor.
Shortly thereafter, the campaign manager for the incumbent asked me if I would put a yard sign for him in my front yard. Because I support him, I agreed.
Nonetheless, I decided to attend the house party for the challenger because I wanted to keep on good terms with these neighbors who support him, and because I was also willing to listen to the challenger speak about his ideas.
As I entered the party, I encountered the candidate and was introduced to him. Then, the host said very loudly, "He's our neighbor. He has a sign for the other guy in his yard." This was very awkward.
Should I have attended the house party, given that I publicly supported another candidate? And also, how should I have responded to the situation that occurred?
GENTLE READER: How are you at public speaking?
By attending the party, you were always going to get a follow-up solicitation -- and, as you attended in order to be on good terms with the neighbors, you were going to have to answer.
Your neighbor merely moved up the timeline in a rather inept way.
The best response would have been to laugh and admit, "I do have a sign. I have supported the mayor for years and I don't feel that I've been put on the spot at all! But I came to meet you (the new candidate), listen to your ideas and support my neighbors. Hi, everybody!"
When you then do get the follow-up call, you can say what a wonderful party it was, but that you have not changed your mind. And refrain from saying that maybe embarrassing potential voters is not the best technique -- or at least not the one that will get them to switch to your candidate.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to lunch with a group from church. I am new to this group, and didn't know several of them very well. I started chatting with a man sitting across from me.
At one point, he used the "r" word to describe someone that, in his opinion, was not very bright. I was astounded. He quickly repeated the word two more times as he talked.
It was so upsetting to me, my brain froze and I couldn't think of what to say to this man. So I just quickly changed the subject. Please tell me your thoughts on what I should have said, or what to do if the situation arises again.
GENTLE READER: All one has to do these days to be invited into a fight is to step out the door. So it is useful to know how to decline a fight while preserving a modicum of dignity.
The proper pose is a strict neutrality -- neither agreeing nor provoking -- simply seeking the first opportunity to disengage. Miss Manners realizes that this lacks the moral victory of punishing those of whom we disapprove, even vehemently, but it has the advantage of not always going home bruised.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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