Responding To 'it's Your Own Fault That You're Sick'
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Long ago, when one was sick, friends and acquaintances would bring over soup or a casserole; offer to straighten up, and even do laundry; take care of your children for a few hours so you could rest; let you know that they were praying for you, etc.
What happened? Today, getting sick is treated as some kind of moral failure, a result of bad lifestyle choices with regard to diet and exercise and miracle supplements.
How does one respond to questions and comments like the following?
"Where did you pick that up?" -- referring to a virus, illness or bacteria, as if I had known infection lurked somewhere, but had been so devil-may-care that I rushed headlong anyway.
"You're not eating enough (kale, organic produce, etc.)" or its counterpart, "You eat too much (meat, sugar, etc.)."
"Whenever my body is toxic, I examine if any of my relationships have become toxic. That's usually the root of the problem."
How do I answer questions that imply that my being sick is the logical consequence of me living a bad life?
GENTLE READER: What happened is a combination of fear (in reaction to a global pandemic) and a deterioration of etiquette -- both in everyone's thinking they can tell everyone else what to do, and in losing any shame about selling their personal remedies or morals.
What you can do depends on what is being sold, and at what dosage. The lowest levels can be handled with a polite lack of interest, intoning, "That's very interesting," while looking around the room for something that actually is.
If you are being actively insulted, you will have to look affronted and not respond.
It is the third category that Miss Manners knows Gentle Readers find the most challenging: implied insults that do not justify fury, or the umpteenth person who has said the same thing to you today -- but the first time from that particular speaker.
While she fears that this is the cost of modern living, she also assures you that it will give you enough practice at grading the frostiness of your response to minimize such interactions.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother reprimanded me for taking a sip from a cocktail glass without first removing the little plastic swizzle stick that often comes in a drink.
I know we're not supposed to use the straw in a vodka tonic or whiskey sour to drink the drink, so I usually hold it to the side with my index finger. But am I supposed to take it out altogether? Won't that just get the coaster or cocktail napkin wet?
GENTLE READER: Is this a trick question? Taking your umbrella out in a storm will get it wet, too, but Miss Manners was under the impression it liked the rain, or it would have found another calling.
As to the swizzle stick, etiquette is indifferent to whether it stays or goes, but common sense has a different take. Your mother may perhaps be remembering days when you were possessed of fewer motor skills, and she does not want to be extracting it from your eyeball in the restroom later, while everyone else is enjoying dinner.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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