Planning For A Tense Trip With In-Laws
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My lovely sister, Grace, married a man who is difficult. Keith is loud, often inebriated, and quick to anger. So much so, that after a misunderstanding at Grace and Keith's wedding rehearsal dinner, harsh words were screamed, and Keith challenged my husband, Jason, to a fistfight.
He issued a pretty weak apology, and for my sister's sake, Jason accepted it. But he has not really gotten over it and feels like things will never be the same between them. Grace, though, thinks everything is hunky-dory now.
When Grace recently came into some money, as a milestone birthday gift to me, she paid for a group vacation for the four of us! Of course this was insanely generous. We've both thanked her profusely, and she's refused my husband's efforts to reimburse her.
How can I gently tell her that, in order to keep the peace, it will be necessary for my husband and me to do things on our own? I have a feeling she already has an hour-by-hour agenda of museums, shops, etc. for us to visit together. But we cannot spend all day, every day with her and Keith, or Jason will go nuts!
Jason is still hurt and angry by what happened before the wedding. He's afraid if he's around Keith for too long, especially with alcohol, that this time he may not be able to be the bigger man and walk away if Keith tries to provoke him.
But I cannot reveal to Grace that Jason didn't forgive Keith's behavior last year! So how do I delicately explain our desire to explore the city by ourselves without offending her?
GENTLE READER: The conversation to have with your sister is about how much you are looking forward to the trip -- and how much you hope everyone will enjoy the sights and one another's company.
As a mere side comment, you can slip in that you and your husband intend a few side excursions for some husband-and-wife time. Miss Manners expects that will make the point that the former is not to be taken for granted, and the latter is not up for debate.
But there are also some expectations to be set on your side, which she says while fully appreciating that your husband was the aggrieved party last year. Your husband accepted your brother-in-law's apology. That he remains suspicious is understandable. But that is different from reserving the right, in advance, to misbehave -- or asserting that your brother-in-law was not actually forgiven.
If that is true, then he needs to know that, as it would not be fair to accept the trip under such circumstances.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the table manners when there is no table? I'm talking about picnics, backyard barbecues, etc. Doesn't that make the idea of table manners stupid?
GENTLE READER: Nope.
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Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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