This Arts And Crafts Assignment Ain't It
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I are working on our plan to handle gifts gracefully. We're fortunate to have everything we need, and lean strongly toward not mentioning gifts at all in our pre-wedding communications. When guests inquire about gifts directly, we reply with a simple, "We're just looking forward to celebrating with you."
But we also worry that this will not calm our guests' nerves on the subject, and they will anxiously disregard it as doublespeak. We loathe the idea that by being subtle and graceful, we are creating anxiety and panic.
To reduce that social friction, we are considering including a message on our planning website that gives our guests the tiniest bit of direction. For instance: "In lieu of a traditional guest book, we are putting together a wedding scrapbook. We will have a station set up at the reception with Polaroids, pens and tape. If you'd like to bring a favorite photo, a drawing or a written memory to add to the pages, we would love to collect them."
This still feels a little on-the-nose to us, but we feel like it might be worth the pointedness to assuage our guests' concerns. Is there a reasonable alternative that comforts our guests and doesn't end with a bunch of wasteful returns?
Or is this still "improperly denying others their privilege to decide what, if anything, they want to give us"?
GENTLE READER: You think that giving your guests a crafting assignment will reduce their stress?! Miss Manners hates to tell you that most of them will think that they now have to create something profound for your book AND give a present.
There is little you can do that will quell a modern wedding guest's nerves. They are too accustomed to ridiculous clothing requests and registries that fund the couple's retirement plan to be able to open a wedding invitation calmly anymore. So a lack of direction, while confusing at first, will ultimately bring more relief than consternation.
Let them assume what they want, but plant a few close friends and relatives to give general categories of modest things (kitchen gadgets, picture frames) that you would like. And get ready to spend the period after your honeymoon making returns, discreetly regifting and decorating your house with tacky things from your dear friends and family -- who, despite their questionable taste, will not have to resent you for making unreasonable wedding requests.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand the need for a coaster under a glass when placed on a delicate tabletop or surface. What I don't understand is the need for a coaster when you have a stemmed wine glass.
The bottom of the wine glass should be dry, and I have never seen a wine glass sweating down the stem and onto the table. Having to use a coaster for a wine glass seems like overkill. I would also say a coaster underneath a cup with a saucer also seems excessive. Can you enlighten me?
GENTLE READER: You are not wrong, but Miss Manners finds herself nonetheless hesitant to condone coasterless beverages, even when it is more practical. She fears that it might set a dangerous precedent for sweaty glasses in search of damageable tables.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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