Dear Kid Whisperer,

I have been using your strategies with my kids, and their behavior has improved so much that I feel like I am able, for the first time, to really get them to act like I want them to act. But now I think I need to consider exactly what behaviors I want them to use. I heard you say that a negative behavior is a behavior that causes a problem for another person. What exactly does that mean?

Answer: I am so glad that you are having success with your kids!

Yes, a negative behavior is a behavior that causes a problem. For the sake of the kid, your family, their school, your community and the world, you need to make sure that your kid does not get what they want with negative behaviors, or else those behaviors will be repeated, explored and heightened, making everyone’s lives worse.

But what is a negative behavior, exactly?

There are two levels to the answer.

Level 1: General/Universal

A vast majority of negative behaviors are inherently problem-causing; to say otherwise is incorrect. The universe and its laws make this so. Infringing on the rights of others in terms of their rights to be free, to learn, to be physically safe, etc. are all inherently negative behaviors. Something like this mutual understanding is enshrined by free people all over the world in many governing documents such as the American Bill of Rights, and in the French Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen.

How these apply to your home will be obvious to you: Hitting, stealing, lying or locking a little brother in the attic are negative behaviors. Even less obvious negative behaviors also fall under this category (i.e., your child taking three cupcakes when you told him he could have one).

Level 2: Specific Family Values

I have a cherished story from my own family that I think illustrates this second level. My daughter ( Kid ) was 5 years old. Looking puzzled and a little disgusted, she approached me while holding and looking down at a plush stuffed animal.

Kid (holding up the stuffed animal for me to take): Does this smell bad to you?

Kid Whisperer (taking it from her and smelling it): Oh, my goodness! ( Kid Whisperer’s head jerks back violently) It does! It smells terrible! What happened to it?

Kid (breaking into a wide smile): I farted on it!!!!

You, and many other people, may see this as a very negative behavior-- that it definitely causes a huge problem. It sure smelled like a huge problem. For you or others who feel that way, this would be a negative behavior if it happened in your home, and you should act accordingly.

In my case, I don’t think I had ever been prouder of my daughter. To me, that was a moment of pure comedic genius. I walked around for weeks on cloud nine telling everyone I could about how my daughter was going to be a famous comedian.

Whether or not these particular types of behaviors should be considered negative just comes from your own values as a parent, and they are no one’s business outside of your own family. These values may come from your own upbringing, religion, or secular value structure, but they are yours, and they are an essential part of your family’s special and unique identity.

Your family, your rules.

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