Q. How do I get along with my ex without fighting? We can barely stand each other and I can tell our kids are being affected. She thinks they are “just fine.” I think they are struggling. I tell her what the kids say and how they have trouble sleeping and she says, “I don’t see it here. It must be something YOU’RE doing.” I’m at a loss. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. That is probably the most common question I am asked—or some version of it—and it shows up in different forms:

“How do we co parent when we can barely stand each other?”

“How do I communicate with my ex without fighting?”

“How do we keep the kids out of the middle?”

“What do I do if my co parent won’t cooperate?”

“How do I make this easier on the children?”

“How do we parent consistently in two homes?”

“What if my ex parents completely differently than I do?”

“How do I move on emotionally while still parenting together?”

But underneath almost all of these questions is one central issue:

“How do we separate the end of the romantic relationship from the ongoing parenting relationship?”

That’s really the heart of co-parenting after breakup or divorce. Most parents are still reacting emotionally to each other while trying to make decisions for their children. The challenge becomes learning to communicate as business partners raising children instead of as wounded former romantic partners. Your business is raising your kids.

That’s also why communication questions dominate the field. Parents want to know:

Should we use email?

Is texting OK?

How often should we talk?

Do we have to talk at all?

What do we do when conversations escalate?

How do we respond without reacting?

In my work, I focus on practical behavior instead of forcing people to “like” each other. Parents don’t have to be friends to successfully raise children together. They do have to learn respectful communication, boundaries and problem solving. That’s why I developed the C.A.R.E. approach. It means: improving Communication by incorporating Acceptance, Respect and Empathy. There’s more specific information on how to do that on the Bonus Families web site. Key word: C.A.R.E.

A close second most common question is probably:

“How do I help my child adjust?”

And the answer there usually circles back to reducing conflict between the adults. Kids adapt far better to two homes than they do to ongoing parental tension.

That's good ex-etiquette.

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