Again: Why, Exactly, Are You Friends With This Person?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend is wearing me out. She and I belong to the same church and social circles, and are close to the same age. When she couldn't drive herself to church and other events due to health problems, I took her with me.
I soon found out that she seldom has a positive word to say about anyone or anything. She starts complaining the minute she gets in the car. She can now drive again, but refuses to take turns with me. She also refuses to chip in for gas because I'm "going there anyway."
I take her with me two to four times a week, sometimes as far as 50 miles round-trip. If I'm not going, she wants a "good reason for it." If I don't bring her, other people ask me why she didn't come. I have done this for five years now, and frankly, she's wearing on my last nerve. Any suggestions on how to politely solve this problem?
GENTLE READER: There are two widely held beliefs that Miss Manners would like to dispel: first, that one cannot avoid being taken advantage of without being rude; second, that the best solution to your problem is to tell your friend the truth. In your case, the truth is that this friend has been ruthlessly -- and rudely -- taking advantage of your good nature.
You could say, "I'm sorry if this will inconvenience you, but I am no longer willing to do 100% of the driving." Miss Manners does not consider this rude so much as ill-advised.
Your friend's past demands that you explain yourself when you would not play chauffeur are telling. She justifies her behavior with a self-serving appeal to logic: You were going anyway. Your hard truth is less likely to change her mind than to start an argument about the wastefulness of taking two cars. Or your statement might change her mind, and you will have to listen to her complaints for another five years -- only with her at the wheel half the time. Neither of these seem like desirable outcomes.
Assuming you don't plan to put up with her imposing on you for future rides, and that you do not plan to flee the country, you must find yourself unavailable to drive her on more and more days. Your reasons may be that you will be arriving from somewhere else, or won't be driving back home directly, or are not sure you are going and therefore need her to make other arrangements this time.
Eventually, she will get tired of asking and find another victim.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two friends, well into their 50s, who invite me to their birthday parties every year -- at expensive restaurants, with a dozen guests.
The invited guests are expected to pay their own way, as well as pay for the birthday honoree. The honorees also expect presents.
I find this a bit extravagant at our age. Of course I'll pay for the birthday person, but I find it tacky to celebrate oneself at others' expense.
Also, splitting the bill at the end of the evening is excruciating. How can I gracefully turn down these invitations?
GENTLE READER: An invitation is not a summons. Miss Manners assures you that you are free to decline, as long as you express such disappointment that they cannot reasonably believe you would not attend if you could.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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