Grad School Making Friends Less Reliable
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A number of my friends have gone back to school for graduate degrees, while I and a few others continue to work.
When we all worked, we had similar financial means and were able to plan events far in advance. We went to the theater, had dinner at home or out, had parties and so forth.
I was prepared for my friends to be in dire financial straits once they started school, and happily resigned myself to cheaper evening activities so I could still enjoy their company.
What I was not prepared for was a precipitous drop in manners!
It is now impossible to pin them down for any activity. For example, I proposed that they come over to watch a DVD I received as a gift. I offered to cook dinner beforehand; eight people accepted the invitation. Then, the day of the event, I got an email from one guest saying that she had to study, wasn't sure she could come and would call later.
Half an hour after the appointed arrival time that evening, I called her to see whether she was coming. Not only was she not coming, she didn't apologize for neglecting to call me! Others didn't even email me.
Out of eight expected guests, four showed up. I had a lot of leftovers.
I was once a diligent student, and I know no one studies 24 hours a day. I don't want to stop entertaining for the next five years while these people get their lives in order. What should I do?
GENTLE READER: Indecisiveness and the inability to keep commitments are a widespread social problem, which has indeed led to the demise of private entertaining.
But as these are the same people who were previously able to plan, let us look at what has changed.
When they were in the workforce, there was a time that they got off work. (Remote work is ruining that, but never mind that now.) So they were free to schedule the rest of their time.
But studying knows no limits. One of the joys of being a student is the constant feeling that you really should be studying instead of enjoying yourself. (Not that studying cannot also be enjoyable.) So this may indeed be a phase -- but, as you realize, a long one.
Nevertheless, these are your long-term friends, so you can let them see the problem from your perspective. When issuing an invitation, ask, "Can you definitely commit to this? Because I don't want to be stuck with a lot of leftovers if you find you need to cancel at the last minute."
You will be tempted to add "except for an emergency," but don't. To a student, failing to be ready for a test qualifies as an emergency.
If they fail to understand, Miss Manners would conclude that they have succumbed to the general rudeness that claims the name of spontaneity, and put plans with them on hold.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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