ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am very fortunate to have found a number of good companions through my active participation in local clubs. However, most of my new friends are a generation or more older than I.

They are wonderful people, and I am grateful for their kind interest in me. Yet I find it uncomfortable when I am asked about my family.

I realize that some may be asking the question simply as a way of making conversation; others are sincerely interested. At times, I've immediately inquired about the questioner's family, but after answering, the individual will invariably return the subject to me. When I've tried simply stating my area of origin and quickly detailing its attributes, I am asked, "Oh, so your family's there?"

When repeated (and, I hope, polite) evasions have failed, I have sometimes replied that I have no family. This has usually been met with unwanted sympathy, and on two occasions, it seemed to result in a wary disbelief on the part of my new friends. The latter is not unwarranted, for I must have betrayed through my expression that the statement is not strictly true.

My counselor suggested that I should respond by saying, "I'm sorry, but I was abused, and this subject is painful for me."

I could never say that. Such a response is contrary to my intent of deflecting attention away from the subject. Would it not also be rude, in that it conveys extremely personal details which would be inappropriate for such an innocently asked question?

Could Miss Manners kindly provide an alternative response that would be both honest and within the bounds of polite conversation?

GENTLE READER: "It's a long story, and I really don't want to go into it. But I'd love to hear about your family." Say it pleasantly, so as not to suggest the need for sympathy. And repeat if necessary.

Notice that what Miss Manners is recommending is the same technique they use on you -- deflecting the question and turning it around. But as you have experienced, it is effective.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a protocol requiring sending wedding gifts no matter whether it's the person's first, second, third, etc., wedding? I've heard no mention of whether this was a large church wedding. The bride and her mother are classless.

In the past, I've given them gifts costing $500. I think that's more than enough for any bride or groom.

GENTLE READER: The simple answer would be that presents used to be associated only with first weddings, with the presumption that the couple was starting a first home, whereas previously married people already had stuff.

You may have noticed that conditions have changed. We now presume that first marriages come from established households, and that everybody welcomes more stuff.

But you have given Miss Manners information about the context of your question: You don't like these people. You have not been invited to the wedding, because then you would know whether it was being held in a church.

That makes two reasons not to give a present if you don't want to. And yes, tradition would be a third.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN