Dinner Was Lovely, Aside From Openly Hostile Hosts
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a dinner party hosted by a couple who are new friends to me. The evening was lovely, save for one glaring issue: The hosts were constantly sniping and digging at each other.
Occasionally, this appeared to be in jest (although not actually very funny). Other times, they just seemed to really want to put one another down.
This made for an awkward table. The other guests and I tried changing the subject or inserting levity, but it didn't seem to take off the edge. I grew increasingly uncomfortable.
Any advice on how to handle this at future events hosted by this couple, or others like them?
GENTLE READER: This sounds like the opposite of a lovely evening to Miss Manners, who would only be thinking about how to handle one future event with this couple -- the inevitable reciprocal invitation to them, after which she could be done.
But whatever the setting, the goal will, unfortunately, be the same: to keep the misbehaving couple from interacting -- whether by arranging for a crowded room full of people, planning a joint trip to a theatrical performance, or having separate conversations at the dinner table.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught from a young age not to assume someone else would take care of my portion of the bill -- that I should be prepared to at least offer to take care of my portion, and to actually have the money to do so.
On the flip side, I was also taught to be prepared to cover the entire bill if I extended the invitation to go out to a meal, because it's "my treat."
In no way is this meant to be disrespectful to the host. It's just how I was raised, to not expect others to pay for me. I was under the impression that assuming the host will cover me is disrespectful.
If I am ever in the situation where I am invited out, how can I discuss this properly with the host without fear of offending them? I have always assumed that if I cannot afford to pay my share, that I should decline the invite, so that's what I usually do.
Have I been missing out by doing this?
GENTLE READER: The rule is that the host provides, unless people have just agreed to meet for dinner out, in which case there is no host. Assuming that explicit invitations balance out -- because when you are invited out, you reciprocate -- this is equitable and requires no discussion.
But you prefer to assume (or perhaps merely risk) a greater share of the cost, if only Miss Manners can tell you how to avoid offending anyone.
Here it is, then: When you have been invited out and the bill comes around, pay attention. If it looks as if others are going to contribute, you do likewise. If the host is reaching for the bill, you should pass, but if your upbringing compels you to ask to contribute, accept "no" graciously.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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