Throw The Party You Wish To See In The World
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm turning 30 and decided this would be a great age to throw a birthday party. My long-term partner recently left me, and I really want to show my friends how much I appreciate them being in my life.
When I've gone to events after COVID, I've noticed they have a lot less structure and are overall less formal. While I do want the birthday party to feel relaxed, I feel like all my ideas to show appreciation contradict that and feel too formal.
Would it be too much if I gave each guest a thank-you card or a party favor bag? I know a few people are bringing plus-ones I haven't met, and I wonder if I should prepare a thank-you card/goodie bag for them.
I want to thank my friends for really bringing joy to this time of my life, despite the tough parts. And I don't really feel I could sincerely write a thank-you note to plus-ones I'm meeting that night.
GENTLE READER: This is the only time that Miss Manners is going to say this, so Gentle Readers, please pay careful attention. There is specific context here and it is not to be abused:
This is your birthday party. Do what you want.
That sentiment has emboldened many a celebrant into terrible behavior. But you have warmed Miss Manners' heart with your propensity for formality and your earnest desire to do right by your friends. To be clear, you alone are getting this special treatment because you have demonstrated that you do not plan to abuse it, extort your friends for presents or force them to wear ridiculous clothing.
But since you asked for an education in party giving, Miss Manners will oblige.
One does not politely throw oneself a birthday party, but as your intention is to use it as a reason to celebrate, just have a party. You do not have to name it.
Casual does not necessarily mean more convivial. It comes with its own rules, but since the point is to refuse to declare them, confusion reigns instead. (People also started wearing pajamas in public after COVID, but that does not make it socially acceptable.)
Party favors are not expected after the age of 10. Nor are thank-you letters to guests, unless they are for presents. And if you want to avoid that, reference the "downplaying of the birthday" part.
Plus-ones are easier to omit when you treat the occasion more formally. You put only the person you want to invite on the invitation. And if your guest list starts to multiply without you, you can politely say, "This party is just for a few close friends, but I would love to meet Diego and Karla another time."
If you have not figured out by the age of 30 that trends in entertaining styles (and everything else) are cyclical, now is the time. But more importantly -- and what comes with age -- is having the fortitude not to follow them. Have the party in the style that suits you. Happy birthday.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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