ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some months ago, you asked your readers for a way of addressing strangers whose gender is not obvious, but I have not seen the answer. We need it, so as to keep from insulting unknown people when we need to get their attention and don't want to say "Hey, you."

Didn't anyone have any ideas? Did you give up?

GENTLE READER: No; there were many charming suggestions, and yet the question is still open. Picky Miss Manners is not quite happy that any submitted so far would pass her test for usefulness.

That test is to imagine that someone is about to exit a cafe, having scooped up their laptop and papers, but leaving a cellphone on the table. You need to shout something to stop this person, who will be gone before you can get to the door to return the phone. So you call out -- what?

One category of entries pleaded for warmth.

"Friend" was the most common suggestion, described by one reader as "a way to convey respect and warmth. A lovely, calm way to interact." One Gentle Reader added, "I try to make it a bit more formal by expanding it to 'good friend.' I do not think the Quakers have minded my appropriation of it."

Another asked, "Why not use the word 'dear'? While technically it's a term of endearment, it's a fairly safe one used mostly outside of romantic context by friends and acquaintances."

Going a step further, someone wrote, "My dear aunt, now in her 90s, uses 'love' -- 'Yes, love,' or 'Love, would you mind ...' We need more love these days."

A second category emphasized respect.

Many argued for "Your honor." One advocate added, "Yes, it's used for judges in the courtroom, but if we use it out of the courtroom, I don't think we'll confuse most people, most of the time."

"Your grace" also made an appearance in this category. "You don't need to be Christian to believe in the value of grace, with implied graciousness, in the world," wrote a Gentle Reader, who then acknowledged, "Perhaps reviving and widening this usage would be rejected as too strongly implying subservience or entitlement."

Similarly, "Noble" was suggested, with the question "Since 'sir' and 'ma'am' were originally used for those of rank and nobility, why not skip straight there in honoring someone?"

And "Peer," which can refer to aristocracy, but also to "an equal in excellence or endowments: In song he never had his peer. A companion; a fellow; an associate: He all his peers in beauty did surpass."

A third category simply acknowledged humanity.

Several suggested "Human." And there were many advocates for "Person," with the possibility of its being shortened to "Pers," and the argument that "it has no particular baggage."

Also presented was "Folk," with the interesting explanation that "Originally and properly it had no plural, being a collective noun; but in modern use, in America, it has lost its singular number, and we hear it only in the plural. Since we have already adopted a plural pronoun (they) to describe one person, I imagine people could get used to this."

Finally, there is a miscellaneous category.

"Cer" was suggested by a Gentle Reader as "a neutral derivation of 'Ser,' a Latin contraction of 'Senhor,' having been assured by a daughter that it is used in science fiction -- and if it is good enough for those good folks in the future, it is good enough for me."

And "Peeps" was suggested as "nonoffensive in any way, and kind of endearing."

One person wrote that they were "taking inspiration from your own 'Gentle Reader' usage" and trying "'GentleSoul' ... It is dignified, easy to say, respectful, benevolent and a compound of two familiar parts."

Do any of these pass the test? Miss Manners does not believe so. She would not, for example, suggest yelling "Folk!" at a stranger in a crowded cafe.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN