As a man who is not letter-perfect (I’m not number-perfect, either, and I have the bank account to prove it), I could never replace Ryan Seacrest as the host of “Wheel of Fortune.”

And my wife, Sue, who is perfectly aware of this, couldn’t replace Vanna White as the legendary letter-turner.

In fact, we couldn’t even be contestants on the show because, in a perfectly dumb move, we neglected to register to go onstage for “Wheel of Fortune LIVE!,” a traveling version of the popular TV game that we saw at a local theater.

But we had fun anyway. And I did so well from my seat, mumbling one correct answer after another, that I could have been the champion and won $1,500, which would have made for — the category is "Phrase" — A PERFECT EVENING.

Sue watches “Wheel” every evening and is pretty good at it, having “won” cash, trips and cars that she will never see because she has been on the wrong side of the TV screen.

Five years ago, I tried out to be on “Wheel of Fortune.” In the category of “What are you doing?” my answer would have been: I AM BOMBING.

My online application was accepted, but when I competed in a qualification game on Zoom against two other people — both of whom were smart young women — I was at a pathetic LOSS FOR WORDS.

So I figured I would make up for it when Sue and I attended “Wheel of Fortune LIVE!,” which was held at the Patchogue Theatre for the Performing Arts on Long Island, New York.

We walked into the crowded lobby and right past the table where we could have registered to be contestants. There was no guarantee we would have been chosen because the theater, which has a seating capacity of 1,100, was packed.

As we settled into our seats, the announcer, Cody Dove, was warming up the crowd.

He chatted with Marie, a hairdresser who said she watches “Wheel” every night, which drew applause, and John, a retired power company worker who said, “I never watch it,” which drew boos.

Cody, a funny guy who was with the famed Second City improv group and has toured with “Wheel of Fortune LIVE!” for four years, turned over the reins to host Jay Flats, another funny guy who is on his second tour with the show.

“I absolutely love this,” said Jay, who was absolutely loved by the audience and especially the contestants.

And why not? He was their key to (relative) fame and fortune.

But before the game could begin, a letter-turner was needed. The winner was Paulette Siegel, who had two excellent qualifications: (1) a bubbly personality and (2) sparkly pants.

“Paulette will be our Vanna tonight,” said Jay, who was the host with the most while smoothly running the show.

I smoothly picked letters and solved puzzles from my seat.

“I could have won this,” I whispered to Sue.

The real winner was Jennifer Busacca, who bested all the other contestants and made it to the Bonus Round. Her category: Fun and Games.

She had 10 seconds to solve the puzzle. She got it in about one second: TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

Jennifer didn’t win a car or a trip, but she did take home $1,500.

Afterward, she told me, “I always wanted to be on the show. It was nerve-racking, but it was fun.”

I told Jennifer, as well as Jay, Cody and Paulette, that I once tried out for “Wheel of Fortune” but didn’t make the cut. I also said I didn’t register to be a contestant that night but did great while sitting in the audience.

“It’s easier when you don’t actually have to play,” said Cody.

Sue nodded and gave me a phrase that was letter-perfect: “BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.”

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