If I ever won the lottery, I’d never collect the money. That’s because I would drop dead from shock. Then my wife would be a rich widow.

But since I haven’t even come close to hitting the jackpot, and the price of beer has gone up, I was willing to take the risk. So I sought the advice of Dr. Brown, a self-described “lottery doctor” whose practice has netted him — and some of his lucky patients — millions of dollars in winnings.

I learned about this money medicine man when I read an ad for his prognosticating services in the Old Farmer’s Almanac. It said:

LOTTERY DOCTOR. Lotto Advisor. African Mojo. Powerballs. Megamillions. Winning Numbers. Call Doctor Brown Now!

Because I took a vow of poverty when I went into journalism, I called him right away.

“I need your help,” I said. “I want to win the lottery.”

“Have you ever played?” he asked.

“Yes,” I answered. “And I’ve lost every time. The only time I won anything, it was two bucks, which I used to buy another ticket. Most of the time, I don’t get any numbers at all. I think I should get a free ticket if I get shut out.”

“You really do need help,” said Dr. Brown, a personable guy who apparently doesn’t have a first name, lives on the West Coast and said he is a “spiritual doctor.”

“Have you ever won the lottery?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “I’ve won the California lottery twice. The first time was for $7 million and the second time was for $10 million.”

“You’re rich!” I gushed.

“Not really,” Dr. Brown said. “I have seven kids. They cost a lot of money.”

The good doctor, who is 77, has been married for almost 60 years. He and his wife have 32 grandchildren.

“I think there’s another one on the way,” he told me.

“I have two daughters and five grandchildren,” I said. “They’d love it if I won the lottery.”

“How about your wife?” Dr. Brown asked.

“She’s the boss, the family banker and the brains of the outfit,” I said. “She’d know what to do with all my winnings.”

Family is very important to Dr. Brown because that’s where he got his predicting powers.

“My grandfather trained me in this work,” he said. “He taught me how to make mojo bags. They contain good luck charms that can be turned into powerful money-making magnets.”

Dr. Brown, who began displaying his powers when he was only 3 years old, sells mojo bags for $247 each.

“Why $247?” I asked.

“Because,” he answered, “they work 24/7.”

“Have the bags helped anyone win the lottery?” I wanted to know.

“Absolutely,” Dr. Brown said. “People have thanked me, although not all of them. I think they squandered their winnings.”

“I can’t afford a bag because I haven’t won the lottery,” I said. “Can you pick winning numbers for me?”

“I don’t do that,” Dr. Brown said. “But I can give you some tips. When is your birthday?”

“January 11,” I said.

“You basically go by your birthday number,” said the doctor, adding that there are lucky days and hours associated with the number.

He gave me a full explanation that I didn’t quite understand because math was my worst subject in school, followed closely by all the others, but essentially I used the strategy to pick numbers in the next Powerball drawing. I also bought a scratch-off ticket.

The Powerball jackpot was $251 million. The potential scratch-off payout was $500.

“The $3 I spent on tickets will make us millions,” I told my wife, Sue.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” she replied.

The day after the Powerball drawing, I checked the numbers. Not one came out. Nothing on the scratch-off, either.

“Loser!” Sue said.

“Not at all,” I countered. “This doctor saved my life. At least I didn’t win and drop dead from shock.”

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