Dear Anna,

My girlfriend and I have been together for six years. We’re in our mid-30s. Like a lot of people, she’s spent most of her life wanting to get fit and lose weight, and for a long time it didn’t really go anywhere. This year her doctor put her on a GLP-1 medication, and combined with a new daily workout routine, it’s actually working. She’s lost a real amount of weight and feels great about it.

The problem is the workouts have become her whole world. She’s at the gym almost every day, tracking every calorie, and by the time she’s home she’s too wiped out to do much else — including, it feels like, us. We used to have a pretty active sex life and now it’s rare. She’s also started pushing me to come work out with her, which bugs me, because I’m genuinely fine with my body. I’ve gained some weight since a few years ago, I’m not thrilled about all of it, but I’m not unhappy either.

On top of that, she’s stopped keeping up with her share of things around the house — dishes, laundry, basic stuff — because she says she’s too tired from training. I’ve picked up the slack without really meaning to, and now it feels less like a partnership and more like I’m running the house solo. I don’t want to be the person standing between her and a health goal, but I also don’t recognize this relationship right now. Is it wrong that I just don’t share her obsession? — Left Behind at Home

Dear Left Behind,

No, it’s not wrong. You’re allowed to be a whole, happy person in a body you’re not at war with. That’s not a character flaw you need to defend — though I noticed you defending it anyway, a few times, before anyone even asked. Which I very much understand. Women are inordinately scrutinized for our physical appearances, so of course you felt the need to get out in front of that. But whether you’re happy with your body isn’t actually the issue here.

And neither is her fitness routine, per se. Plenty of couples have one gym-obsessed partner and one who couldn’t care less, and it’s a nonissue. The problem is what’s disappeared around it — the sex, the shared labor, the sense that you’re a team.

So I’d stop battling the workouts and have a conversation about the changes to your relationship. Not “I wish you cared less about the gym,” which she’ll likely hear as an attack on something that’s clearly given her real confidence and motivation. Instead, I’d say something along the lines of: “I miss you. I miss us having sex, and I miss feeling like we’re running this house together instead of me doing it alone while you drink a creatine smoothie.”

My big question is how much have you actually talked to her about this? Does she realize how much her/your life has changed? Does she know you’re feeling lonely? Is this an intensity she expects to maintain indefinitely, or does she see it as a particularly demanding season while she works toward a goal?

A GLP-1 medication plus a new daily workout routine is a significant physical adjustment, and exhaustion may genuinely be part of what she’s experiencing right now. That said, I also wouldn’t accept “I’m tired” as an indefinite exemption from showing up as a partner.

What’s important is that you both acknowledge the imbalance and agree on a few ways to try to address it, rather than you silently absorbing more and more things until you resent her. Or vice versa.

The solution, at least around chores, could be to continue what you’re doing, i.e., that you temporarily take on more household work while she’s adjusting, and she takes some of it back when her energy returns. Or maybe you agree to outsource something if you can afford it. Or maybe you agree that certain chores are nonnegotiable and others can wait. Once you name it, you can start working toward a compromise.

I’d do the same thing with intimacy. Don’t make the conversation just about frequency — ask what kind of connection is actually possible right now. If she’s too exhausted for sex at night, could you have sex at another time? Could you make room for making out, touching, masturbating together, showering together, a regular date night, or simply going to bed together and connecting for a few minutes before sleep? Long-term couple sex waxes and wanes — you might simply be in more of a dry season at the moment. And that’s OK. That’s something couples can negotiate. What isn’t sustainable is one person quietly becoming lonely while the other assumes everything is fine.

And on the gym pressure: Tell her plainly that you’re happy in your body and don’t want to be recruited into her routine. But! If there are ways you’d enjoy moving your body together that don’t involve ab rollers — a la walking, hiking, swimming, dancing around the kitchen — do offer those instead. Being healthful doesn’t have to feel like a punishment! My wife and I love to take walks around our neighborhood — it’s a great way to move our bodies and spend some low-key quality time together.

This is a thornier topic, but I’d also consider asking her whether she’s accidentally made fitness the only acceptable way to spend her time. A goal can be healthy and still take up too much space. The question isn’t whether she’s “allowed” to care this much about exercise, but whether there’s still room in her life for the other things she says she values — including you.

OK, on to the actual plan! Sit down and brainstorm/chat about what each of you need from the relationship. What can you tolerate if it’s temporary but not if it’s permanent? What chores do you need help with? What kinds of intimacy do you want to preserve? How much couple time feels realistic right now? And when will you check in again? A week? A month? Three?

Then, experiment and follow-up. You don’t have to match her health enthusiasm to stay close to her. You don’t even have to understand why she wants this as badly as she does. But you do get to expect your relationship to still have a place in her life.

She gets to pursue her body goals. You get to pursue your own relationship with your body. And the two of you get to figure out how to nurture your relationship together, too.

I wish you all the luck.

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