Q: My child repeats everything her mother tells her. The problem is that her mother is very angry. I had an affair and eventually told my wife and left. I am a demon in my ex's eyes, and she's trying to convince our daughter to hate me. I understand why my ex is so angry, but making our child hate me isn't going to do anyone any good. What's good ex-etiquette?

A: The primary question here is not who was right or wrong. The question is, now that the marriage has ended, how do the two of you co-parent your daughter without asking her to carry the burden of your breakup?

Truth be told, your ex-wife's feelings are understandable, but they require adult understanding. Even though children do their best to understand their parents' breakup, they interpret it through a child's lens. It's doubtful your daughter will understand either parent's explanation for why the marriage ended. Children don't understand attraction, intimacy, incompatibility or the many reasons adults decide to end a relationship. They simply know their family has changed, and in the absence of understanding, they often fill in the blanks with fear, guilt or self-blame.

That's the danger when one parent takes the lead in explaining the breakup. In an effort to understand what's happening to them, a child may feel as if they must take sides.

And that’s the reason reassurance is so important. More than an explanation of the breakup, children need to know they are still deeply loved, that both parents will continue to be there for them, and that the end of the relationship did not end either parent's love for them.

Just remember, when your daughter repeats something hurtful, resist the urge to defend yourself or criticize her mother. If you respond by attacking your ex, you've simply confirmed that your daughter is caught between two parents who are asking her to take sides.

Instead, try saying something like, "I understand why Mom has strong feelings. What's important for you to know is that, even though Mom and I don't live together anymore, we'll always be your parents. We both love you very much, we will both always be there for you, and you never have to choose between us."

Those last few words are exactly what children want to hear. Talking about blame or repeatedly reminding a child why your marriage ended won’t make her feel more secure. It often does the opposite. Your daughter isn't looking for a parent who's right. She's looking for two parents who will help her cope with this upheaval. That means keeping your promises. Being where you say you'll be. Listening more than you talk. Letting your actions reassure her that your relationship with her is permanent.

Finally, it’s the adults' romantic relationship that ended. Their relationship with their daughter did not. That's the message both parents need to reinforce through their words and their actions, no matter what has happened between them. That's good ex-etiquette.

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