Q: What do I do with my husband’s ex-wife? She’s obsessed. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. She was brunette when I met her and now, she’s blonde. Not just blonde, but the exact color blonde as my hair. And the same style. We aren’t enemies, but it looks very strange when we sit near each other at the kids’ soccer games. I’m embarrassed. What’s good ex-etiquette ?

A: Well, this certainly adds a new take on imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Excuse me for making light of this. I can understand feeling uncomfortable, especially if you’re wondering whether everyone else notices the resemblance. But before you decide that she’s obsessed, take a breath. A little perspective goes a long way in bonus family life. Ask yourself whether this one deserves the energy you’re giving it.

Let me tell you a story. My bonus daughter is a hairstylist, and years ago she cut both her mother’s and my hair in a very similar style. It wasn't malicious, and we didn't look exactly alike, but it was enough that people would say, “Oh, you’re the brunette!” When you’re already sharing family events and sitting on the same sidelines, looking similar adds another layer to an arrangement that can feel a little unusual to begin with—and add to the gossip.

The approach I took was pretty simple. I told my bonus daughter the truth: “Oh, my God, your mom and I have the same hairstyle! Let’s change mine up a little. This town is too small!”

There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the obvious and having a laugh. You don’t have to pretend you love the resemblance. The trick is to address it without making someone the villain. In my situation, that would mean asking for a fresh look, not asking my bonus daughter to referee a disagreement over who gets to wear which hairstyle.

I usually suggest that the person whose side of the family is causing the problem is the one to confront the issue, but not in this case. I’d skip asking your husband to weigh in. “Doesn’t she look exactly like me?” puts him in an awkward position and gives a haircut more attention than it deserves. And if someone at the game comments, you don’t owe them an explanation. “In my case, I just said, “We have the same hair stylist.” Most everyone got the joke.

The most encouraging part of your question is, “We aren’t enemies.” That’s worth protecting. You can sit near each other, support the kids and be pleasant. Don’t let matching highlights become the reason that changes.

Good ex-etiquette means picking your battles, and this one isn’t the one to take to the bank. If there’s a separate problem with her behavior, address that behavior directly. But if the problem is the hair, a little humor—and perhaps a conversation with your stylist—may be all the intervention you need. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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