Dear Anna,

My husband and I opened our marriage about six months ago — something we'd talked about for years and finally decided to try. We did everything "right": read the books, had the long conversations, established our agreements. But six months in, the experiment seems to be working for exactly one of us. He has two new partners he sees regularly, and I have ... a lot of unopened Hinge notifications and one very disappointing date with a guy who spent the whole dinner talking about his podcast. I'm genuinely happy for my husband — I think? — but I also feel invisible, a little broken and honestly kind of embarrassed. We opened the marriage together. Is this a me problem, a math problem or a sign that we should close things back up? — Endless Non-Matches

Dear ENM,

This isn’t a cosmic verdict on your desirability, and it’s not evidence that you’re “bad” at nonmonogamy. (Though it may be a sign to avoid certain dudes with podcasts.) It is a very common, very under-discussed phase, aka the gap. One partner hits a stride; the other runs into friction, noise or plain bad luck. It feels personal, but most of it isn’t. True connection is rare, and it doesn’t follow a prescribed timeline.

A big piece of that gap is structural. Dating as a woman seeking men in open arrangements often means high volume and low effort or low quality — lots of interest, much of it unserious, thirsty or incompatible. Dating as a man in the same setup can be much slower and involve more work upfront and then snowball once a few connections stick.

Different games, different timelines. None of that says anything meaningful about your worth. Though, as with anything, you should resist comparing your situation to anyone else’s, particularly your husband’s. I realize how hard that is to do, but I’m saying it anyway. Heed me!

Now let’s get a little tactical. How are you approaching apps/dating? “Success on apps” is too fuzzy to be useful. Are you really clear on what you actually want right now — a steady second relationship? A casual friends-with-benefits connection? Or a pleasant, low-stakes date once or twice a month? Clear criteria make it easier to filter quickly and stop you from measuring yourself against your husband’s very different experience. But also, if you’re looking for more consistency or deeper connections, then realize those take longer to find.

Next, look at your process. If you’re spending weeks messaging before meeting, you may be trying to pre-screen for certainty that doesn’t exist. Chemistry is hard to gauge over text. Consider shortening the runway: a brief video call or a quick coffee early on. You’ll move past the duds faster — and occasionally be surprised in a good way. (One hopes.)

It’s also fair to ask how much time and energy you’re realistically putting into this. If you’re squeezing dating into the margins of an already full life, the “math” may indeed be working against you. That’s not a character flaw; it’s a constraint you can adjust for or accept.

Resist the urge to cast a wider net. Refinement beats expansion. Be more specific in your profile about what you’re looking for and what you’re not. The goal isn’t to appeal to more people; it’s to appeal to the right ones and filter out the rest sooner.

As to your feelings of embarrassment or invisibility, those are two separate two conversations to have with your husband. One is practical. Are there differences in time, flexibility or how your agreements are structured that are unintentionally giving him an advantage? If so, tweak the system. The other is emotional. Feeling invisible or embarrassed matters, regardless of the cause. Don’t carry that alone — let him be part of supporting you through it, if you’re not already. (And, of course, it never hurts to rope in an ENM-experienced therapist, if that’s available to you.)

Finally, give this a defined window rather than an open-ended trial. Six months can feel long when it’s frustrating, but it’s not unusual for things to take longer to click. Set a check-in point — say, three months — and reassess then. Not just the number of dates, but whether you still want this structure and whether it’s adding to your life or draining it. Those questions matter more than the scoreboard.

TL:DR: You’re not failing. You’re in a messy, uneven middle that doesn’t get much airtime. That doesn’t mean you’ll always feel this way — but it does mean you get to be deliberate about what’s working for you, what isn’t, and what you want next.

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