ArcaMax

The fake news and the corrupt Deep State FBI have convinced Americans that we have a lot of mass killings in this America. The fake figures are backed up by some communist university where the most popular course is taught by a drag queen. The course is called "God Sucks Let's Burn the Flag 101."

According to those very bad, deranged liars, ...Read more

Will they come at night? When I'm asleep next to my wife? When my cat Jack is curled up next to my ankles? Or in the daytime? When my wife is at work? When I'm at home reading and eating a bagel? Will I be gone when she gets home, and will she think I'm at the gym? Or will there be "signs of a struggle," as the newspapers say?

Presidential ...Read more

If you work it right, you might be able to kill freedom in America and in the Ukraine with just one vote.

You might also be able to kill abortion freedom, drag queen freedom, gay freedom, freedom to read any book you want and a bunch of other freedoms no one uses much. Read much? Then the hell with it!

You will keep your freedom to own 67 ...Read more

I haven't been in any kind of medical facility that wasn't understaffed by at least 20%, not for 15 years, and that 15 years includes my knee surgery, the death of my mother- and father-in-law, the death of my mother, and my wife's hysterectomy. I figure it's just a matter of time until your loved one goes in the hospital, and you have to ...Read more

In America's ongoing effort to separate the properly gendered from you freak jobs who are just making it up as you go along, we've finally struck on felines and fertility as the true measure of properly gendered patriotism.

You got cats? You got cats, there's some chance that you're not as male as the guy with a dog, particularly when ...Read more

The Amish are better than you. They're better than me, too.

This is because the Amish make furniture.

For the last couple years, every time I turn the television on, there's a commercial from a local retailer telling me they sell "Amish furniture."

"Experience the craftsmanship of the Amish," the announcer's deep voice says. Then the ad ...Read more

The funniest, or the saddest, thing about this week's presidential debate is that it occurred the night before Sept. 11, a holy holiday of death that's been forgotten by everyone except politicians looking to be seen at the remembrance ceremony, firefighters, unindicted police officers and the families of the dead, whose aching sadness cannot ...Read more

There's been a mini-flap about former President Donald Trump's recently reprehensible conduct at Arlington National Cemetery.

First of all, what the hell did you expect?

Secondly, when is Trump gonna stop with that cheesy "thumbs up" hand sign? No one does that anymore. It makes him look old and out of touch. I grew up with the thumbs up, ...Read more

When I was a kid, we had a spelling bee every week in my class. Me or a kid named William always won.

This did not bother the nuns. They were not in the self-esteem business. The meek might inherit the earth, but only the good spellers were going to win the spelling bee. God hates people who fix fights.

As a prize, they used to give you a ...Read more

This morning, I had breakfast in a street corner joint called "Rosaria's." Rosaria is the woman who owns the place. She cooks. One of her daughters waits tables. One of her nieces waits tables.

I paid $8.99 for a pulled pork omelet that came with hash browns, toast and coffee. There was plenty of pork in the omelet, and the waitress came by ...Read more

"Come and listen you fellers, so young and so fine

And seek not your fortune in the dark dreary mines

It will form as a habit and seep in your soul

'Til the stream of your blood is as black as the coal."

-- Merle Travis, "Dark as a Dungeon"

It's a coal mining song, is what it is, a hill ballad, a labor song, a lyric of damp and dust and ...Read more

Q: What's a "hillbilly marriage counselor"?

A: A 2 x 4

Hoo hoo! That shore is funny, Zeke! Pass me the jug!

Used to be, if you had embarrassing relatives, you kept 'em out of town until the race for county commissioner was over.

If you had an Italian last name and you were running for office in Connecticut in 1960, and your Uncle Joey the ...Read more

For Americans of my generation, the Olympics have been miserable since the Soviet Union fell apart.

Back there in the land of the rotary phone, all good Americans wanted to see the United States win more medals than the Communists. It was fun, but it was serious. It was prideful. It was James Bond taking on Soviet evil. It was an ancient-...Read more