I give a lot of advice on how to use the various dating sites and apps, but it’s important to talk about what they are, why we should use them, and some general pointers for having a positive experience.

Online dating is:

--An additional way to meet people

--A screening tool based on things that are important to you

--A way to meet people who are not in your line of work or social circles

Online dating is not:

--The only way to meet a partner

--Any different from meeting someone in real life… it’s just a different way to get there

--A fun game to play if you never plan on actually meeting anyone

--Represented by any one bad (or good) date… or someone else’s story

Just like you might turn to your actual toolbox if you’re looking to hang a picture on the wall or build a bench, you turn to this proverbial tool — the dating apps — when you’re looking to connect with someone to go on a date.

The problem, though, is that many people don’t know how to use the tool, and then rather than learning how to use it better, they blame the tool. “It’s not my fault my picture is crooked. That freaking hammer was ridiculous, and those nails didn’t work!” No one would say that.

To be blunt, the reason you're single is not because the apps exist. They're here to help (even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes). The bigger problem, in addition to not knowing how to use them, is often that people are under the assumption that there is no one good on the apps. Starting with believing that someone great does exist would help immensely.

Of course, I’m not naive to the fact that some (many?) people exhibit poor behavior when given the perceived anonymity of a screen (in addition to the fact that the existence of the apps acts as a crutch for people, making them much more reticent to approach people in real life). People ghost, leave conversations mid-planning (ugh), and don’t always present in person as they appeared online (ugh x2).

While we can’t prevent people from being, well, people, we can have a more efficient system for weeding out the bad and only allowing in the good. And even if some of the bad get through the filter, it’s important to remember that this person is not representative of all people, and this person does not get to control the trajectory of your dating life.

So if you’re thinking about quitting after a couple of bad dates, think again. They don’t get that power over you.

How many apps should I be on?

I’d start with one, and then if you’re not overwhelmed, try two. Anything more than that gets unwieldy. I’d rather you use two apps proactively versus six haphazardly or half-heartedly.

How much time should I spend on the apps?

I recommend spending 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening on the apps. That way, you’re not addicted to it, but it gives ample opportunity to respond to people in a timely fashion.

Should I pay for the apps?

All of the dating apps (we’re talking about the phone-based ones here) are very usable and very good for free (the more traditional ones do require a payment to have any messaging functionality).

Paying for the dating apps is not a requirement. In fact, I often tell people not to pay for the apps, but this is not because I don't believe they should be charging for their services. After all, they are a business and they should make money, especially for offering a service to give you access to so many people. In fact, I believe that anything in life that's important to people often takes time, energy, work and money. That said, most of the apps are very usable without paying.

People are sometimes under the false impression that the apps are hiding things from you or they're storing “better” people somewhere. At least to my knowledge, they are not. What you get when you do pay is more functionality. You do not get a different group of people, and you certainly don't get better people, whatever that means to you. Rather, you get more filters. You get the ability to use travel mode (to search in a location other than your own) on some of the apps. You get to screen by other things, such as religion or politics. And you get more swipes or messages that you can send per day. Essentially, you get more opportunities. Do I think it's necessary or required? Absolutely not.

Is there a best time of day or time of year?

The best time is when you’re ready. Though, notoriously, the Sunday after any New Year’s Day is the busiest day for online dating, and it’s aptly named Dating Sunday.

Now that you know how and why the apps exist, you can get started!

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