Q: I'm in trouble. My ex is very angry that I did not pass on a confidence that our child told me, but she asked me not to tell her dad. I want her to trust me, so I kept it a secret, but when her father found out, he hit the roof. Now he's angry and she thinks I breached her confidence. What's good ex-etiquette?

A: That's a great question because there isn't a simple answer. It gets to the heart of one of the hardest parts of co-parenting: When does protecting your child's trust conflict with your responsibility to co-parent effectively?

The first question to ask yourself is, "Whose need am I meeting?" Am I protecting my child, or am I protecting my role as the "favorite parent"?

Children often ask us to keep secrets because they're embarrassed, afraid of disappointing the other parent, worried about causing conflict or afraid of getting in trouble. While those feelings are understandable, agreeing to keep secrets from the other parent can unintentionally place you in the middle. Before long, you become the gatekeeper of information, and co-parent resentment is sure to set in.

A better approach is to be honest from the beginning. Rather than promising secrecy, say something like, "I will always do my best to support your privacy, but if it's something that affects your safety or health, your dad needs to know so he can also keep you safe."

That response accomplishes two important things. First, it tells your child you are listening. Second, it sets realistic expectations. Trust is not built by keeping every secret. Trust is built by being predictable and truthful.

Not every confidence needs to be shared. If your child tells you she has a crush, is nervous about a school performance or confides typical adolescent worries, there is usually no reason to report those conversations to your co-parent.

However, if your child shares information involving physical or emotional safety, substance use, self-harm, bullying, significant academic problems, medical concerns or anything that could affect parenting decisions, that information belongs to both parents. In those situations, your responsibility as a parent outweighs your child's request for secrecy.

Here's a good rule of thumb: Your child should never know more about an important family issue than their other parent. That's too much responsibility for a child to carry and can easily pull them into the middle of the two people they love most.

Good Ex-Etiquette Rule No. 8 is, "Be honest and straightforward." If you have already kept the confidence and your co-parent is angry, resist becoming defensive. Acknowledge that you were trying to honor your child's trust, but you now realize that decision put you between a rock and a hard place. Tell your co-parent, "I understand why you're upset. I was trying to do the right thing, but I can see now that I should have handled it differently." Then discuss how the two of you will handle situations like this in the future, so your child isn't caught in the middle.

The goal isn't to become your child's best friend or your co-parent's informant. The goal is to create a family culture where children know they can come to either parent, confident that both parents will act in their best interests. When children don't have to choose between loyalty and honesty, everyone wins.

That's good ex-etiquette.

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