Q. Now that school has ended, our 5-year-old daughter has the chance to go to her father’s in the mornings before he goes to work at noon or go to extended learning at her school where she can play with kids and do crafts. I decided to ask her what she wants to do and she said, “Go to school,” so I signed her up. Her father is furious because I didn’t consult him. I’m “putting her first!” You always say that’s the first rule of good ex-etiquette. Well, I did it and it’s still wrong. So, what’s good ex-etiquette, now?

A. Putting children first is important, but many parents misunderstand what that actually means.

Putting children first does not mean allowing a 5-year-old to make adult decisions. It means the adults gather information, discuss options together and make thoughtful parenting decisions based on what is best for the child long-term. There’s a difference.

At 5 years old, your daughter is perfectly capable of expressing a preference. That’s healthy and appropriate. Children should absolutely feel heard. But being heard is not the same as being placed in the position of deciding between parents.

From your co-parent’s perspective, this likely feels less about extended learning and more about being excluded from an important parenting decision. He probably sees mornings with his daughter as valuable bonding time, especially during the summer when routines change and opportunities for connection can increase.

And honestly, he has a point.

Good co-parenting means discussing significant schedule changes together before decisions are made, particularly when both parents are actively involved in the child’s life. Even if you believed extended learning was the better choice, consulting him first would have shown respect for his role as her father.

It’s also important to understand the position your daughter may now feel she is in. Young children naturally want to please both parents. When asked to choose between spending time with a parent or doing something fun with peers, they often answer based on immediate excitement, not emotional consequences or long-term family dynamics.

That’s why parents have to be careful not to unintentionally place children in loyalty binds disguised as “choices.”

A better approach may have been to discuss the options together as parents first, then present a united decision to your daughter. Perhaps there could have been compromise: a few mornings with Dad and a few mornings at extended learning. Children benefit from both peer interaction and meaningful time with parents.

This is also a good reminder that “putting the child first” should not become shorthand for “doing what the child says.” Children need parents to lead.

That doesn’t mean your intentions were wrong. You were likely trying to respect your daughter’s feelings and give her some autonomy. That’s understandable. But co-parenting works best when both parents feel included in decisions affecting parenting time and routines.

Children should have a voice, but parents still have the final responsibility for making decisions together whenever possible. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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