Q. My ex wants me to give him my friends’ phone numbers so he can call them and arrange playdates with their children when my son is with him. You don’t give people’s phone numbers out without asking them first, and these are my friends. I feel uncomfortable sharing their information, but he says I’m being difficult and preventing our son from seeing his friends during his parenting time. Am I wrong to refuse? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. You are correct that it is not appropriate to give out someone else’s phone number without permission. Most people expect that their personal contact information will be treated respectfully. That part of your concern is reasonable.

But three phrases in your letter stand out: “my friends,” “my son” and “my ex.” Granted, this column is called Ex-Etiquette and that sort of dictates the use of “ex,” but when referring to your child’s father, especially if you are trying to support his relationship with your son’s friends, it can help to shift the language. Referring to him as “Josh’s dad” or “Josh’s father” subtly communicates support for his role as a parent.

After separation, it is easy to slip into language that divides a child’s life into mine and yours. The truth is, your son’s friendships belong to him. If you are promoting the "separate houses, separate friends" sort of mentality when your child plays with those kids, it's one more way to put your child in the middle.

Those children are his friends, even if you happen to know the parents better. It would be nice if Josh’s dad could also help Josh maintain those friendships during his parenting time while maintaining appropriate boundaries and respecting your friendships by not pushing too hard to become part of the equation.

The respectful way to handle this is to contact the parents and ask if they are comfortable with you sharing their number so Josh’s dad can call and introduce himself to arrange playdates. If they agree, pass the number along and let him take it from there. In this way, you are staying out of the middle.

When one parent becomes the permanent go-between for social plans, the other parent becomes dependent on them to manage the child’s friendships. It's one more thing to disagree about, "You didn't give me the phone numbers," or "You didn't tell me about soccer practice." Healthy co-parenting encourages parents to work together in raising their child while allowing each parent to build their own connections.

One more thing to keep in mind. Sometimes when parents separate, one parent has already formed relationships with other parents at school or in the neighborhood. If negative things have been said in the past about the other parent, those families may have formed an opinion before ever meeting him.

Giving Josh’s dad the opportunity to introduce himself allows people to form their own impressions, not necessarily contradicting your opinion, just putting Josh first. And, quite frankly, the opinions we hold and share immediately after a breakup often mellow with time. Then you have to back track. Another reason why, "Don't badmouth" is Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 3. This is a great example of how venting to friends can affect our children.

Finally, by asking permission before sharing numbers and allowing Josh’s dad to communicate directly, you respect your friends’ privacy, support your son’s friendships, and give both parents the opportunity to participate fully in your child’s social life.

That’s not just cooperation. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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