Dear Anna,

My girlfriend and I have been together for four years, and we’re constantly fighting about alone time. We both work full time but on different schedules. When she gets home from work, she immediately disappears into the bedroom for at least an hour — sometimes longer — to “decompress.” She insists this isn’t personal and that afterward she’s happy to hang out, but honestly, it feels like rejection. I’ve been at work all day too, and when I get home, I want to connect with my partner, not be told to leave her alone. Sometimes I’ll knock on the door to ask how her day was or if she wants to watch something later, and she gets annoyed that I’m “not respecting her boundary.” The thing that really bothers me is the double standard — she gets her alone time every single day without question, but when I want to game with my friends a couple nights a week, she acts like I’m neglecting the relationship. I’ve tried explaining that I just want us to spend quality time together when we’re both home, but she says I’m being clingy and that needing space is “normal.” Am I wrong for wanting my girlfriend to actually want to see me after we’ve been apart all day? How much alone time is reasonable before it becomes avoiding your partner? — Feeling Shut Out

Dear FSO,

Oh buddy. I hate to break it to you, but you’re (mostly) the problem here.

Your girlfriend isn’t rejecting you — she’s literally telling you exactly what she needs to show up as her best self in the relationship. And instead of listening, you’re following her around like a puppy who can’t understand why she won’t throw the ball right this second. That hour she’s asking for? That’s not about you. That’s about her nervous system downshifting from work mode to human mode so she can actually be present with you afterward.

Here’s what’s happening: You’re taking her very reasonable need for decompression time and making it about your feelings. She’s not avoiding the relationship — she’s maintaining herself so she can be a good partner. There’s a massive difference between “I need an hour to myself” and “I don’t want to be around you.” You’re hearing the second thing when she’s saying the first, and that’s creating a problem that doesn’t need to exist.

Now, let’s talk about the gaming situation. You mentioned she “acts like you’re neglecting the relationship” when you game with friends. If she’s actually preventing you from having your own social time or making you feel guilty about it, that’s not OK either. Everyone needs friend time and hobbies outside the relationship. But I need you to be honest with yourself here: Is she actually stopping you from gaming, or is she just occasionally asking you to skip a session because she wants to spend time together? Because those are very different things. If it’s the former, you both have boundary issues. If it’s the latter, you’re just mad that her needs sometimes conflict with your plans.

The irony here is that by not giving her the space she’s explicitly asking for, you’re guaranteeing she’ll be less present with you when you do hang out. Nobody wants to spend quality time with someone when they’re still overstimulated, exhausted,and haven’t had a moment to themselves. You’re essentially demanding she perform emotional availability before she’s ready, and then wondering why the connection feels forced.

Here’s what you need to do: Stop knocking on the door. Stop asking what’s wrong. Stop making her alone time about you. When she gets home, give her a kiss, say “I’m glad you’re home, take your time,” and then go do literally anything else for an hour. Read a book. Make dinner. Text your friends. Game! Exist as a complete person who doesn’t need constant interaction to feel secure in your relationship.

After that hour, she’ll come find you, and I promise you’ll have a much better evening together than you do now when you’re guilt-tripping her into interacting before she’s ready.

If you genuinely can’t handle an hour of not being actively engaged with your partner when you’re both home, that’s something to examine. That level of need for constant connection sounds like a form of anxious attachment, and it puts an unfair burden on her to manage your emotions.

Your girlfriend is communicating clearly. She’s setting a reasonable boundary. She’s even telling you it’s temporary and that she wants to hang out afterward. The only thing standing between you and contentment is your inability to respect what she’s telling you she needs.

TL;DR: Give her the hour, do something that makes you happy in the meantime, and watch how much better things get.

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