Q. My son’s fiancee left 18 months ago, taking their two young children with her. The relationship had a number of struggles including immaturity, mental health and his drinking issues. He is told "no" when he asks for visits and sees his kids infrequently. He doesn’t send notes, call or video-chat with the kids. He refuses to consult a lawyer, and the mother hasn’t asked for support. However, he is bitter, angry and feeling victimized. I missed my grandchildren, so a year ago I started making arrangements with the other grandmother to see the kids. Mom prefers that all communication goes through her mother. I arrange family time around the children’s milestones. When a visit is planned, I always tell my son about it and he joins us. He then takes on the visit as his own and it becomes grandma and grandpa watching their dad take the kids to the zoo. I’m becoming frustrated and resentful and want to start seeing the kids without him. But the children come first, and they need to see their dad! What’s ex-etiquette for grandma?

A. If your son has a history of mental illness and self-medication, it would be predictable that you might be struggling with running defense for him to ensure him some successes. Close relatives of someone as you described often become co-dependent, feeling like if they didn’t get involved, their relative would surely fail. It seems you may be also running defense for your grandchildren, believing that if you were not paving the way for child-father interaction, there would be none—and ultimately, that would hurt the children.

This is understandable, but unsustainable.

It is exhausting, and as you have described, you become frustrated and resentful. Then no one wins — not you, not your son, and certainly not the children in question.

Digressing a little, you didn’t mention if there was a formal parenting plan in place, but the visitation you describe is actually supervised visitation. Considering what you have said, that may be the most appropriate form of visitation, but I am not sure. However it’s not up to you to supply supervision. If you feel uncomfortable, there are facilities with professionals who can supply that, and it's usually court ordered. Rarely will a parent agree to only supervised visitation without the court telling them they must. I suspect there is more to this story.

In regard to good ex-etiquette, you are looking for solutions, which is very good ex-etiquette, but it’s a solution for your son, not you. It’s your responsibility to maintain your own relationship with your grandchildren and it’s up to dad to lay the groundwork for his own relationship with them.

Even though he has some struggles, that’s no excuse for not reaching out. If he needs to go to counseling or see a doctor or hire an attorney to help him organize his life, again, as an adult, that is his responsibility. You may want to seek counseling, as well. Unfortunately, the courts may have to intercede, but let dad be a parent. You be grandma. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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