I blame Merriam-Webster. They define “we” as a plural pronoun when everybody knows “we” most often means another person in the room.

For example, we are eating a stuffed crust pizza and I say, “We need to watch what we eat,” meaning my better half might want to lighten up on the late-night ice cream.

“We” is most often a subtle way of one person telling another person what to do.

When the husband says, “We should go back to Maine next year,” that means he’d like me to plan a trip. “We” is how ones lobs the ball onto the other side of the court.

“We really should plan a trip to Maine,” I say, which is me returning the serve. Score: 1-1 and nobody has taken the initiative on planning a trip.

All that said, there really are times when we do things together. Case in point, “we” recently cleaned the gutters. I stood at the bottom of the ladder as a safety measure and he teetered at the top of the ladder, reaching and stretching to scoop out wet heavy gunk and heave it into a trash can below.

Misuse of “we” can happen in any number of situations. When the doctor suggested I take a vitamin supplement, I asked why that would be necessary. He smiled and said, “You know, as we get older. . .” The man is 40, 42 tops. Unless he has a mouse in his pocket, there’s no “we” getting older. I am the one in the room getting older. That said, nice try, I appreciated his sensitivity.

Trying on clothes in a department store, a helpful clerk asks, “Would we like to try that on in a different size?” This is very confusing, as there is no one else in the dressing room and at no time will the clerk and I simultaneously try on the same article of clothing.

Misuse of the word “we” can be traced back to kindergarten when the teacher would say, “Now class, we need to roll our mats out on the floor for rest time.” I always kept one eye open during rest time and not once did the teacher roll out a mat on the floor and take a short nap.

I hope we have cleared up this matter once and for all.

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