Q: My ex's girlfriend has started texting me about our kids. Pickup times, homework, schedule changes, you name it. She's pleasant, and I don't dislike her, but I'm beginning to wonder why I'm co-parenting with her instead of my ex. Where do you draw the line? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Before you send, “I had children with HIM, not YOU,” take a minute. That's one of those texts that feels fabulous while you're typing it and not nearly as fabulous after you hit Send.

Start with what she's actually doing. I’m generalizing, but what I have seen is that many relationships evolve into the parent figures accepting traditional roles, particularly if the woman already had children. She eventually becomes the primary caregiver of all the children. So, if she texts, “I'm picking Jake up from baseball today,” because she's the one driving, that's useful information. If she's helping with homework and lets you know he left his science book at Dad's, great.

Bonus parents often help with the day-to-day care of children. Pretending they don't simply because they're not the biological parent doesn't help anybody.

But helping with homework and taking over the co-parenting communication are two different things.

If Dad has handed his girlfriend the job of discussing schedule changes, school decisions, discipline, medical concerns and every other parenting issue because he'd rather not communicate with you, it's time to reset the boundaries.

And here's where I would look at Dad, not the girlfriend.

It's very easy to get angry with the new partner because she's the one whose name keeps popping up on your phone. But if Dad has asked her to handle these things, she's not necessarily taking over. She may be doing exactly what he's asked—and it seems like a natural progression because she’s doing it with her own children.

But Dad is still the co parent, not her, and even though consolidating responsibilities may be convenient, it's important that he not lose sight of his role in all this.

You don't have to make it a showdown. Something as simple as, “I appreciate Lisa letting me know when she's handling transportation, but I also want to make sure that you and I communicate directly when decisions affect our children” gets the point across.

Raising children is a huge responsibility and incredibly time-consuming. And bonus parents can be a tremendous asset when one child is to be at soccer practice, the other at cheerleading, and another at gymnastics. But a bonus parent supports the parenting team (Rule No. 4); they don't replace one of its members.

Sounds like it’s time to have a conversation that clearly reestablishes respectful boundaries and outlines parent and bonus parent responsibilities within your bonus family. (Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 9, “Respect each other’s turf.”) Don’t let it go too long so that resentment sets in. That's good ex-etiquette.

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