Q. I just got married to a man with three children. Their mother died two years ago, and we have bonded quite well. Problem is the kids' grandmother -- the children's mother's mother -- seems very jealous and undermines things that I do. She will make appointments for outings directly with the kids that I know nothing about. Or she will show up with dinner made with "the family recipes" when I already have dinner made. It's a real problem. What's good ex-etiquette?

A. First, take a breath and look at the bigger picture. This may feel like overstepping — and it sort of is — but it’s also very likely driven by something deeper: fear. If you have bonded with the children as you say you have, it is fear that her daughter will be forgotten.

When a parent dies, the people who love them often hold on in the ways they know how. For this grandmother, that may mean holding tightly to traditions, recipes and time with the children. It’s her way of keeping her daughter present.

Understanding that doesn’t mean you have to allow behavior that disrupts your home — but it does change how you respond.

Good ex-etiquette means balancing compassion with structure.

You are the parent figure in your home. That role matters. Grandmother is extended family — important, loving and valuable — but not in charge of scheduling or running your household. When she makes plans directly with the kids or shows up unannounced, she’s stepping outside that role.

That boundary needs to come from your husband.

He can say, “Mom, we love how much you do for the kids. It keeps their mom’s memory alive, and that means a lot. But we need you to check with us before making plans or bringing things over. We’re trying to create consistency at home.”

That one sentence does two things: It reassures her that her daughter is not being erased, and it makes the boundary clear.

Then, do something that may feel counterintuitive — make room for their mother on purpose. Invite her to dinner.

You might say, “Why don’t we plan a night where you come over and share some of their your family’s traditions?” When you invite her in appropriately, you take away the need for her to push her way in.

At the same time, avoid power struggles. If she shows up with dinner, thank her and simply say, “I have something planned for tonight, but please join us. I’ll save the family recipe for next week and you can join us then, as well.” You don’t have to win that moment to establish your place in the family.

And help the children understand the structure without putting them in the middle. If Grandma makes plans, teach them to say, “Let me check with Dad and Lisa.” This reinforces that decisions go through the parents. Now you’re not replacing their mother — you’re helping carry her forward in a healthy way.

When grandmother sees that her daughter’s memory is safe, her urgency may soften.

Have compassion for her fear. Clarity about your role. Consistency in your boundaries. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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