I got this interesting question recently, and it made me think. And when things make me think, you know I have to write about them!

Q: How do I balance ‘You deserve zero red flags’ with the reality that no one is perfect? Thank you!

A: Those are VERY different things. A red flag, by my definition, is objective: Someone is rude to people. Someone doesn’t do what they say they’ll do. Someone bashes an ex early and unprompted. Someone is dishonest. Someone belittles you. Someone manipulates you or others to get what they want. And the list goes on…

But quirks, as we all have, should be looked at subjectively. Everyone has what I call "perceived flaws." They are not objective. (Some -- OK, many -- might call them "icks.") They are things that you might not like but that are not inherently bad. For example, a too-loud laugh, a wrinkled shirt, a texting style different from yours, a messy living room, a very late bedtime, an unhealthy TV habit, a compulsion to get up at 5 a.m. to make eggs. (I made those up, of course, but you get the idea.)

Often, red flags and icks/perceived flaws get incorrectly conflated. It’s true that you should be with someone who doesn’t display any apparent red flags. But, ultimately, you have to decide which set of perceived flaws you can live with and which you cannot. Because we all have them.

So how do you tell the difference?

One of the clearest ways to break this down is by thinking about behaviors in “buckets.” It makes the gray area a lot easier to navigate.

Red Flags: These are character-based issues like dishonesty, cruelty, lack of empathy, manipulation, disrespect, or anything that compromises your emotional or physical safety. Red flags aren’t about taste. They’re about values. And they are usually a pattern, not a moment.

Yellow Flags: These are context-dependent. They’re not inherently bad, but they might require more observation. Being late once, inconsistent early communication, unclear scheduling or a moment of self-centeredness doesn’t automatically make someone a bad partner. These are the “let’s gather more data” moments.

Perceived Flaws/Icks: These are harmless quirks like preferences, habits or personality traits that simply may not align with yours.

And somewhere between red flags and perceived flaws are your deal-breakers, or the nonnegotiables that are personal to you, not universal. For example, wanting kids (or not), religion, lifestyle, ambition, geography or financial habits. These aren’t red flags if someone doesn’t meet them, but they are reasons the match won’t work. Your deal-breakers help guide you toward someone whose life fits with yours, without confusing “not my person” with “bad person.”

Ultimately, you’re not searching for someone who has no quirks. (In fact, I hope they do have some!) You’re searching for someone whose quirks feel manageable or, better yet, endearing.

Their perceived flaws don’t have to be your perceived flaws. And yours don’t have to be theirs.

Someone is also looking at your quirks and deciding whether they can live with them. And the right person won’t just tolerate them, they’ll think they’re part of your charm.

Red flags are about character, and perceived flaws are about preference. You deserve zero red flags. True. But you also deserve someone human.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC