ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I am writing to you from Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

I am the primary caregiver to my mother. She has had serious health issues that made the use of a wheelchair necessary.

I was OK with stepping up to care for her, and told her so, too. I have a mild disability (cerebral palsy) that prevents me from doing more for my mother compared to someone with no disability.

The issue is that her surviving younger siblings didn't do a thing to relieve me, even though they both knew help was needed.

It got to the point where I was totally overwhelmed, suffered from severe primary caregiver burnout and went to the hospital emergency room as a direct result of getting seriously hurt from doing activities that my mother and l knew were risky and ill-advised for me.

However, I was the only mature, responsible and willing person available to help my mother when she needed help. I did everything out of love for my mother.

How do I go about respecting my mother's wishes while at the same time reclaiming my physical, mental and emotional health to restore it to some semblance of normalcy without getting hurt further? My family doctor refused to do anything constructive to ensure that proper extra help would be arranged.

– Need More Help

Dear Help: There are a number of support systems in place that may be able to help you. Ontario Health atHome (ontariohealthathome.ca), for instance, helps seniors to age in place and also has a caregiver support page. The city of Toronto’s page (toronto.ca) also has a comprehensive page dedicated to senior health and home care services plus a helpline (416-217-2077) for general questions and referrals.

The Ontario Caregiver Organization (ontariocaregiver.ca) also has resources, even if your mother isn’t a senior.

I’m sorry that her siblings and her doctor aren’t being more helpful. Down the road, it may also make sense to change doctors. But for right now, your energy will be best spent finding out what other resources are available to you.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been together since his sons were 6 and 9. He and the boys had all experienced years of abuse before their mother left.

We put the boys in counseling, sought counseling ourselves, and tried to create a safe, consistent home while helping them avoid unhealthy relationships.

Over the years, I made sacrifices I never imagined. I gave up my dream of having children because we worried a new baby might make the boys feel replaced. I also changed to a career that provided stability but isn't fulfilling, and now I feel stuck.

As adults, the boys moved away, but we continued to support them however we could.

Despite everything we tried to do, both sons, now 21 and 24, seem to resent us and want little to do with us. I know growing up with trauma affected all of us, and I also carry my own wounds from some of the older son's behavior toward me over the years.

I understand that love and sacrifice don't guarantee a close relationship. Still, I genuinely believe we did everything we knew how to do and always put the boys' needs first.

How do my husband and I accept that our best efforts may never be enough for them? More personally, how do I come to terms with giving up so much of the life I imagined and still feeling as though I failed?

– After Giving My All

Dear All: The first thing to remember is that these relationships aren’t completed stories. This moment is difficult and it feels particularly hard in light of how much you sacrificed and how hard some of those sacrifices were for you.

These feelings aren’t anything to be ashamed of, but you would do well to reframe the story. They were in a terrible position; you made what you considered the best choice available. Though it benefited them, they didn’t ask you to do it.

They should recognize what you’ve done for them, but part of parenthood is acknowledging that children rarely have a full grasp about what the adults in their lives are doing. And that’s as it should be.

Adulthood grants us greater perspective. They still have a lot of growing to do, a lot of trauma to process. They may never fully understand what you did for them and you may never fully understand what it felt like to grow up in their position, but you will continue to have opportunities to meet each other as adults. In the interim, you can also look at your life and ask yourself where you have opportunities to switch paths or prioritize yourself. You can't change the past, but the future is still up for grabs.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.