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Dear Eric: Our son recently went through a heartbreaking and contentious divorce. There is a young child involved and joint custody has been determined.

Our contact with the former spouse is nonexistent although we regularly care for, spend time with, and dearly love our grandchild.

I have been struggling with what to do with the many photos displayed in our home (engagement, wedding, family of three) of a family of three that is no longer a unit. We have other children who are happily married with kids of their own and our home has happily been filled with photos and portraits in every room. It hurts to have empty spots for our son.

I know it bothers our son to view photos of happier times when he visits. His ex is no longer in his life or ours. So why is this a problem for me?

– Picture Imperfect

Dear Picture: You’re free to display whatever photos you want in your home, of course, but it’s kind and conscientious to think about your son’s experience when he’s over. And it makes sense that you wouldn’t want visual reminders of a situation that has been painful for the whole family.

One graceful solution is to find the parts of the photos that still have positive meaning for you and to edit them. You don’t need a graphic design degree; scissors will do the trick. Or for photos that can’t be trimmed, you might consider scanning them or uploading them to a photo printing site and cropping the photo until only your son or son and grandchild remain.

This won’t work for every photo. The engagement photos, unfortunately, have to go. But that doesn’t mean you have to look at a blank spot on the wall. Replace each old photo with a new one. You might use older photos that you have of your son and grandchild, or photos you haven’t printed out yet from your phone or a camera. Or you might ask your son specifically: “I have two 4-by-6-inch frames and two 8-by-10 inch frames with your name on it. Would you send me some photos to put in them?”

It’s not possible nor is it practical to erase the past. One or two photos of the ex might remain, in a large full family photo, for instance. This is fine. But if some of the photos are sites of pain, you have the ability to shift what’s in the frame.

Dear Eric: I have a problem with our camera-happy world. Plain and simple: I do not photograph well. Candids are the worst offenders, but my attempts to find an attractive facial expression for posed photography have failed miserably.

In the age of smartphones, everyone is a photographer. Although I request that I not be photographed, I am often included in group photos at wedding receptions, birthday parties, and neighborhood get-togethers. Yes, cellphone cameras often capture me raising a hand to block the lens or walking away. And, no, that’s not funny.

Over the years, I’ve shifted from dread to avoidance of social events that I’d otherwise enjoy. This is a boundary issue for me. How can I get people to respect my right not to be photographed? I know that I’m not alone in feeling this is a breach of privacy.

– Camera-Unfriendly Reader

Dear Reader: I’m curious how often your wishes are being disobeyed intentionally versus unintentionally. That is to say, even before the advent of cellphone cameras, it was custom to take photographs of groups at social gatherings. In those situations, we can’t always control the candids in which we appear. You can wear a large button that reads “No Photographs” but you still may end up in the background.

Where are you coming across these photos? Are you being tagged on social media? You can control what you see, to an extent, by changing your social media settings so that no one can tag you or by telling people not to share the photos they took with you. If you don’t know the photo exists, it may not bother you as much.

Some of this is about self-love and acceptance. I’m sure you’ve heard before that often the way we look to ourselves doesn’t always match up to the way other people see us. That may be a cold comfort, but it’s important to remember that you’re being invited to these gatherings because your friends and loved ones want you there.

They take pictures of you because they appreciate your presence and want to remember you as you are. Again, you don’t have to submit to photos if you don’t want to. But remember that not everyone is seeing what you’re seeing in these photos. Some people are seeing only a person that they love and want to have around.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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