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Dear Eric: My husband of more than 20 years has a brother. They have a toxic relationship, yet love each other. They would talk on the phone every day.

They live a long distance from each other, and I am grateful for that because whenever they are together, the brother gets drunk and they fight, physically. The brother will provoke him by hitting him first and saying cruel things, typically about me. He truly scares me and I get uneasy in his presence.

The last time they were together was when their mom passed away. His brother wanted control of everything. It was all about money and greed for him. They have barely spoken since then and it's more peaceful. I prefer never to see him again.

I am having a surprise 50th birthday party for my husband. I sent invitations to close family and friends and did not include him. One of his friends called me to say his brother found out and plans on showing up. I have a knot in my stomach. I told this friend to tell my husband’s brother I don't want him at the party.

Now I'm thinking he is going to call my husband and ruin the surprise, and my husband will feel bad and say he wants his brother there. Everyone that knows his brother agrees it's not a good idea. Do I invite him and tell him to please not cause problems?

– Party Pressure

Dear Party: It may not be possible to manage someone who has proven himself to be distressingly unmanageable. He’s clearly got some issues to work through with respect to his brother and his own behavior, and he has a history of disrespecting you, so I wouldn’t put much effort into trying to convince him not to cause problems. It will only create more stress and tension for you.

You can, instead, prepare for a few likely scenarios.

Scenario #1: He calls his brother and spoils the surprise.

While the party will be in your husband’s honor, it’s not unfair to ask him to reconsider inviting his brother, citing the history of name-calling and violence. This party is your gift to him and if he wants to celebrate with his brother, encourage him to find another time to get together.

Scenario #2: He just shows up.

Enlist the help of friends and other family members in advance to help “chaperone” the brother. If you approach people you trust about minding him in advance, it will take away some of the anticipatory anxiety.

Dear Eric: I was chatting with a neighbor, and he started telling me about his son’s plans for college. He mentioned that his son was looking at a large university in Ohio. We live in Georgia.

When I said something about out-of-state tuition being awfully expensive, he said they didn’t have to worry about that since his brother lives in Ohio and they’d just use his address.

I then said that was cheating and didn’t he think that was wrong. He just mumbled something about those big universities not needing that extra money.

I have a cousin that works in admissions at this very same school. Should I spill the beans or is this a MYOB situation?

– Wondering in Georgia

Dear Georgia: It’s perplexing that your neighbor would be so forthcoming with his plan to skirt the rules. But then, every part of this plan is a little perplexing.

Your neighbor’s son will need more than just an address to prove that he’s lived in Ohio long enough to qualify for in-state tuition. While the process of proving residency may vary depending on the university, the rules listed in the Ohio State Administrative Code are clear. He’ll need supporting documentation, like a voter registration, as well as other documents like a sworn statement from an employer that his parent or legal guardian is employed in the state.

And if the child is still considered a dependent of his parents and the parents live in Georgia, well, the jig will be up.

So, unless you have more specific information about the plan, you can stay out of it and let the many safeguards that state has in place do their job.

Dear Eric: Your answer to the letter from the man who was 6-foot-5-inches tall and tired of people commenting on his height (“Right-Sized Questions”) really touched me. My late husband was also 6-foot-5-inches and when asked about his height, he always answered 5-foot-17-inches”. It got a laugh and then the next question was “did you play basketball?” As not a fan of it and never wanting to play he answered “No, I was too tall.”

That usually stopped the questions and got another laugh. It kept other questions at bay.

– Still Missing My 5’17” Guy

Dear Still Missing: Thanks for the laugh!

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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