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Dear Eric: A few years ago, my then-wife and I had an ugly fight that my daughter and mother witnessed. In that fight I did something I promised I'd never do, which was name call.

I've been called names and was badgered long before and lost my cool. I meant the harm I caused my now-ex-wife and was finally happy the marriage was coming to an end.

However, my daughter (14) then moved to Florida with my in-laws and hasn't spoken to me in more than a year.

I've since been blessed but miss her terribly. A day hasn't passed that I don't think of her. She doesn't respond to any contact. I've never harmed her and her loss is killing me. How can I fix myself if I’m not allowed to fix our relationship?

– Missing My Daughter

Dear Missing: It’s a healthy sign that you’re able to acknowledge your part in the dissolution of your marriage and the impact it had on your daughter. You can see the missteps that may be standing in the way of a relationship with her right now. This will make repair easier, when it’s time. But it may not be time for repair right now.

This can be hard to accept, especially if you feel that you’ve changed. But it’s clear that there are things with which your daughter is grappling that aren’t so easily healed.

I’m curious about the kinds of communication you’ve attempted with her. If you haven’t written to her with a specific apology for the things you feel you did wrong and made an attempt to make amends, you might start there. If you have and she hasn’t been responsive, then you’ll need to give her more time.

Don’t think of this as not being allowed to fix your relationship with her. Sometimes space is part of the fixing. But that shouldn’t stop you from continuing to work on yourself. Indeed, continuing to work on yourself will make you a healthier person and healthier parent when she is ready to reconnect.

Dear Eric: I know you’ve addressed estrangement from adult children many times, but I’m struggling with how it should affect our estate planning.

This is not the first time our oldest son has cut us off. After college, he lived with us until age 32 despite repeated efforts to get him to become independent. When he finally moved out, he stopped speaking to us for a year and resumed contact during COVID, when he needed a place to live.

Since then, we have been extremely generous. In 2024, we hosted and paid for his wedding in Italy and gave him and his wife substantial financial support and gifts. In January 2026, we also paid for a family trip to Chile. My son went on the trip but behaved badly.

Soon afterward, he stopped speaking to us.

We are now establishing our wills and trust. Given the repeated estrangements and how much we have already provided for our older son, I am inclined to leave our estate to our younger son.

The brothers currently are not speaking either, largely because of the older son. If they eventually reconcile, would leaving everything to our younger son make it impossible for them to have a healthy relationship?

I don't want our estate plan to burden our younger son with guilt, resentment, or responsibility for a decision that is ours.

How do we balance our feelings about our estranged older son with protecting our younger son from the consequences of our estate-planning decision?

– Very Sad Mother

Dear Mother: Unfortunately, you can’t protect your younger son from his brother’s resentment because that resentment might be there with or without the money. Both sons need to be responsible for their own behavior both now and in the future.

Your younger son has been affected by his brother’s behavior throughout life, up to and including this current estrangement. It’s possible that he resents how much has been given to his older brother and it’s possible that he would resent having to split even more, should your estate be divided.

It may help to think of the sons separately. The older son’s relationship with you is fractured. As you make your will, you don’t feel compelled to leave him anything. This doesn’t have anything to do with his younger brother. If you want, you can explain your decision to your older son in advance or in a letter to be included in your will, but that might invite more conflict into an already difficult relationship.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but the older son’s resentment is his responsibility, now and in the future. Also, if they reconcile, your younger son is free to do with your estate what he pleases, including splitting it.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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