ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I’ve been friends with a wonderfully quirky woman for decades. We’ve known each other since we were very young children. I frequently invite her to various family events, especially holidays, such as Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas because these tend to be big celebrations in my family.

Unfortunately, over the last couple of years my family has grown tired of me including her and have asked that I not include her moving forward.

She’s friendly and gregarious, but very, very loud and boisterous to say the least. She also doesn’t seem to recognize that, and no amount of correction works, at least not for very long.

My family is firm; she’s not welcome at our family functions. My quandary is how do I tell her that she’s not invited without hurting her feelings? She’s been included for so long she now makes the assumption that she’s invited and can attend.

While this has historically been true, it means a big difference for our upcoming holidays. I should mention that this occurs within the context of her own family, basically ostracizing her for the very same thing. Please help!

– Stuck in the Middle

Dear Middle: I feel sorry for your friend that she’s unable to find an accepting community, even at the holidays.

Unfortunately, no matter how kindly this news is delivered, it may hurt her feelings.

Depending on the nature of your family gatherings, however, this may not be your message to deliver. If she’s been invited enough times that she now attends automatically, then the onus may be on the host of the gathering to reach out and tell her not to come.

But a more comprehensive solution may involve pushing back on your family’s demand. Even if she’s not related by blood, it’s clear that she means a lot to you. And family should be a place where everyone is safe to be themselves, quirks and all.

If she were acting out in some way that was antisocial or offensive, it would be a different story. But being loud is not the worst thing in the world. She may not be able to control it, or at least not in a way that some members of your family want. But it doesn’t sound like your friend is ruining Christmas, so perhaps some more flexibility is in order.

Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our 70s and have a close friend in his 80s with whom my husband worked many years ago. He now lives in another state; we have visited each other over the years.

He has also become a friend of our entire family. We all keep in touch with him by way of emails, texts, phone calls, and gifts.

A few months ago, my husband was in another state to take care of his dying brother. I called our friend to let him know and also to thank him for a very thoughtful birthday gift that he sent me. I left him a brief voicemail in which I mentioned my husband being with his brother and told him I would try to reach him again the next day.

He replied in a text in which he expressed his condolences and said to call back anytime.

In the interim, he texted my daughter and told her that he thought it was inappropriate for him to talk to me on the phone while my husband was elsewhere. I might add that he talks to my daughter often and never questions if her husband is at home.

I am still feeling so upset and hurt by this. I feel like what he said implied something that was certainly not my intention. All of my family also thinks that this was very strange.

I don’t know what to say to him at this point.

– Feeling Diminished and Hurt

Dear Feeling: This is absolutely about him and not you. That doesn’t make it less hurtful, but it may help to think about what his intention was – to show respect to your husband, and, in a generous interpretation, to you.

However, he undid much of what he was trying to do by talking about this with your daughter behind your back.

Talking with him directly may help to clear the air, although you may always feel a little bit differently about him.

You can say something like, “I was surprised to hear that you didn’t feel it was appropriate for us to communicate while my husband was away. I felt hurt and disrespected by the sentiment and embarrassed to hear this from my own daughter. I don’t think this was your intention, but I value our friendship enough to share it with you in hopes that we can see each other more clearly. Do you understand how I feel?”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.