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Dear Eric: My older sister and I have always had a complicated relationship. I was the “golden child,” which she (rightfully) resented.

In recent years she has recounted “memories” of our family that invariably paint me and our mother in an unflattering light. Once she mentioned in passing a time “when you were a drug addict in high school.” I wasn’t. Another time she mentioned “that time you and Mother read my diary and laughed about it to other people.” I know memory is malleable, but I do not remember any such horrific violation.

I said to her, “If that happened, why on earth have you been even speaking to me all these years?” She said, “you were probably too young to remember it.”

I have tried factual counterarguments, which get nowhere; telling her how this hurts my feelings, which doesn’t make a dent because these stories are all about her victimization; and getting angry, which has resulted in her husband announcing that I am no longer welcome in their home.

I am deeply hurt, deeply angry, and questioning my own reality. We haven’t spoken for almost a year, and though there are days when I feel relieved to not be hearing from her, I can’t shake an overwhelming sense of grief. How do I move past this?

– Little Sister Without a Big Sister

Dear Sister: The grief you feel may not be something you’ll move past, but it is possible to move on with it. The distinction, to my mind, is acceptance.

It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of work to try to see where your sister is coming from, or to meet her where she is. So, some of the grief may come from feeling rejected even when at your most vulnerable. These feelings need an outlet.

It will help to talk to someone about this, but it will also be helpful to write down your feelings in a journal or a letter you don’t send. Grief often doesn’t have anywhere to go and so we have to give it the space it needs. Now is the time to offer grace to yourself and to acknowledge that none of this feels fair, none of it feels right, and it’s not what you wanted.

Dear Eric: My mother is 80 years old and I love her dearly. She is the sweetest soul and everyone she meets absolutely loves her. The problem is her hygiene. She does not take care of herself. She is fully able-bodied and lives on her own, but for some reason she does not bathe regularly and absolutely reeks of old urine.

This is the kind of smell that everyone around her immediately notices but says nothing about it for fear of hurting her.

Adding to the issue is the fact that she insists on coming to my home every week to watch our favorite football team play. I don't have the heart to tell her no, but every time she leaves, my couch smells absolutely awful. I spend the next week trying to clean and deodorize it, just to have it stink again next week.

My sister, who is close to her, attempted to gently talk about this issue with her and we have given several subtle hints that there is a problem. Mom just denies and deflects and ignores our concerns. I am at an absolute loss for what to do.

I certainly do not want to offend her, which I certainly will if I bring it up again, but at the same time, I cannot go on like this for another whole football season. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

– Lost and Tired

Dear Lost and Tired: I’m sorry your mom is going through this. It’s surely frustrating and embarrassing. But because it could indicate a deeper issue, it’s important to be direct but kind with her. I am not diagnosing and I don’t mean to sound an alarm, but there is something that’s not working in the way her life is set up right now that’s causing this issue. It could be a logistical one – she may be struggling with incontinence – or a mental or psychological one.

The only way to get to the bottom of it is to tell her plainly and as kindly as possible what you’re noticing. “Mom, I love you and I care a lot about you. I only want the best for you. And right now, I’m worried because there is a smell of urine on your clothes. It could be that your sense of smell has changed or a problem with the washing machine or something else. I’m not blaming you. But I want to help you because I’m worried that it’s negatively impacting your life. Would you please let me help?”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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