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Dear Eric: I am 75 years old. My wife and I have been married for 45 years. My wife suffers from treatment-resistant depression and/or bipolar disorder. My wife has been undergoing treatment of various kinds for 30 years without success.

Mental health professionals and close friends have told me that my wife is damaging my mental health and advise me to leave. I have not left her because I vowed not to do so, and she is dependent on me. She would be devastated.

I feel compassion for her but not love or respect. Counselors tell us that we are codependent, and I think that is correct. They say that in refusing to abandon my wife, I am abandoning myself.

I would like to have a healthy relationship before I die. I also have not left because I am afraid to. I am 75 years old and have no family to fall back on, just friends.

– Self-imprisoned

Dear Self: I’m so sorry for the suffering that you and your wife are enduring. It’s hard on both of you. And it may be the case that your marriage has been transformed out of a loving partnership by the pain of her illness and the strain of caregiving.

I’m curious if the friends and professionals who are telling you to leave have helped you think through what leaving looks like. How would this work, where would you go, what would you do? There are ways for a couple, codependent or not, to acknowledge that what they have isn’t working and make a plan for both of them to transition to a different arrangement. But it takes more than packing a suitcase.

You may benefit from the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, and also working with a marriage and family therapist who is adept at helping codependent couples. Whatever your future holds, you don’t (and shouldn’t) do it alone. You may feel that your wife has depended on you too much in your marriage, but that doesn’t mean that its future is yours alone to determine.

Dear Eric: I get it. People often need to talk with someone to help them sort things out in their lives. And you recommend that they speak with a therapist. However, do you realize how difficult it is to find a therapist?

I went online to find a therapist near me. You can read a blurb about each, and learn where they were educated, about how old they are, what issues they focus on. However, as a friend told me, finding a good therapist is like dating. You have to find someone with whom you feel a connection.

Which means, on that little bit of online info, you have to make an appointment, shell out the $175 to $300, and spend an hour talking about difficult things with a stranger you can only hope can help. It’s quite an expensive proposition and often absolutely not worth the time and effort.

One of the therapists I met wanted to pray for me (I’m an atheist). Another spent the hour telling me what a fascinating life I’d had and what an interesting person I was. When I asked her how she could help me, she asked what I would like. I said I had no experience with therapy, so I didn’t even know what types of help there were. She then wanted my credit card number and to schedule another session

Do you have any suggestions as to how to find a therapist? Besides spending a couple thousand dollars trying different people out?

– Seeking Help

Dear Help: I’m so sorry you had those experiences. That’s not the way that therapy intake is supposed to go. This is a relationship that’s built on professionalism, training, and trust. And I understand that establishing that trust with a stranger can be very hard. That’s why I always try to suggest additional options along with therapy.

But in many cases, therapy can be an effective and fulfilling strategy.

A website like Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com) will give you details about therapists, as well as allowing you to filter by specialty, demographics, and insurance. Many therapists will schedule a 15-minute intake call at no charge. This is your opportunity to ask them questions about how they work, what their style is, and how they might approach the issue you’re facing.

This is also a great time to get clarity on different approaches. So, if they say they’re trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for instance, you should feel free to ask them to explain what that is and how it works. Also feel free to take notes and do further research afterward. I would discourage you from using AI to do this kind of research, however. Stick to well-sourced websites or a library.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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