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Dear Eric: My mother-in-law's Christmas card always includes a top 10 list. It mainly revolves around family gatherings and grandkids. A few years back, her list included my husband's two brothers and their families but no mention of us and our three amazing kids.

We are always hosting because we live closest to them but somehow, she only praised the brothers who live farther away. It really hurt my feelings.

Even worse, when my husband pointed it out to her (he humorously said that people might think we all died since there was no mention of us), it made her upset, so somehow, we were the bad guys.

His brothers criticized us for bringing it up and my sister-in-law said there are two sides to every story.

You would think if you were sending out a top 10 list you would include all your children. My husband and I still do most of the hosting, but I am very ambivalent about it. How do I get over this? I would like an apology but am discouraged from bringing the topic up again.

My husband says his parents just had a senior moment. And then my sister-in-law saying "there are two sides to every story" rubbed salt into the wound. I know I have bigger problems to be concerned with, but I really try to be a good, loving daughter-in-law and this was very hurtful and years later still bothers me.

– Forgotten Family

Dear Forgotten: What jumps out to me most significantly is the detail that this was years ago. There’s no time limit on hurt feelings, but the fact that it’s still bothering you may indicate that there’s something underneath this slight that’s really bothering you. Perhaps this exclusion feels emblematic of some other issue that you have in your family. Perhaps you feel unappreciated for doing all the hosting. It’s worth looking at the bigger picture and asking yourself if there’s something you’d like to change or address.

But as far as the Christmas card goes, try to assume the best of everyone involved. If you decide to think of it as a senior moment or an oversight that didn’t mean what you felt it meant, it may be easier to accept and let go of. You can’t go back and change it, and an apology may not change the way you feel.

Not being included on the list hit a sensitive spot for you and if you work on that spot, the list will stop mattering as much. It might be as simple as talking to your mother-in-law about the role you play and getting affirmation that she values you.

Dear Eric: My mother (70s) and I (30s) are at an impasse. She feels I don’t call enough. I’m not a phone person. At all. I hate to talk on the phone. I don’t have to use the phone for work. I prefer to do everything I can over email or in person. I’d prefer to see her in person more, but we don’t live in the same town. So, I do call.

But, apparently, it’s not enough for her. She’s always saying “You never call. I never know what’s going on in your life.” But doesn’t the phone work both ways? She has no interest in calling me. What can I do to get her to call me?

– Hung Up

Dear Hung Up: Sure, the phone works both ways, but your line is all that you can control. So, while you and your mother could spend your days trapped in the push-pull of “you call/no, you call,” your time will be better spent focusing on the relationship you share.

To that end, make the call. Make the call when you think of it. Make the call when you wish she was calling you. Make the call when the appointment reminder in your phone pings you to do it. Because you should set up an appointment reminder in your phone to make the call.

You write that you don’t like talking on the phone. But at present this is the best way for you to connect. And it does sound like you want to connect. I didn’t see anything in your letter that indicated that these phone calls are a slog, even though you don’t like phone calls in general. Until you can see each other in person more, make the call so that you don’t needlessly lose time and you don’t get stuck in a conflict about who is dialing.

Also try creative solutions. See if FaceTiming feels different, call during a chore or, hands-free, while commuting. See if emailing back and forth suits you both. There are, thankfully, so many ways to connect. You owe it to yourselves to find the one that works for you.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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