ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I’m part of a group of six women who get together every three months for dinner to catch up on our lives. We rotate on who decides where to eat. We have been doing this for four years now.

My question revolves around eating with GLP-1 users. There are now four women in the group using GLP-1s. Two are diabetics, two use it for weight loss. I and one other are not using them.

As you can imagine with six people eating and talking, we would usually be at a restaurant for one-and-a-half to two hours. Now it seems everything is so rushed.

The women on these medications are done really fast. The other woman and I feel rushed, and sometimes the waitresses see the others done and we feel we have to be done too. We have even stopped eating the salads.

What used to be an enjoyable time for all of us has turned into not fun for the other woman and me. It's not relaxing and enjoyable anymore.

We have suggested other things like craft classes or walks, but it never works out.

Any suggestions for how to make this enjoyable again for me and the other friend? Or are we just the odd women out now?

– Dining Out

Dear Dining: Is it possible for any of the group members to host at her house? This would alleviate the pressure to pay the check and leave. Each member could pitch in the cost of the meal toward food or catering. Or you could do it potluck-style, which might help people who are on specialized diets.

If hosting at home isn’t doable, consider adding a second location to your dinner plans, like a tea house or a dessert shop. These places might be better equipped for lingering with conversation than a restaurant would be anyway. Or meet up for a round of drinks or coffees before sitting down to dinner.

It’ll probably help to talk about this at the group level. If the shared goal is to find a way to talk for two hours and meals aren’t taking two hours anymore, you’re going to need to be creative, but you don’t have to find the solution on your own.

Dear Eric: I am an adult child of two emotionally abusive, actively drinking alcoholic parents. After an episode on their part, we were estranged for 12 years on my initiation.

I did a lot of emotional work last spring to reach out and invite them back into my life. My mother immediately rejected me and relentlessly hurled insults at me over the phone. My father has been more receptive, however he’s extremely hot and cold.

In my last interaction with my father, he called me an alcoholic and said I was disrespectful, unempathetic and that I am a villain to my parents. I have worked very hard in therapy throughout my adult life to not abuse alcohol or use it to fuel resentful feelings. I am an avid reader of Al-anon literature and daily reflections, and I try my best to attend Al-Anon meetings, but I am still struggling.

Estrangement really, really hurts but the white-knuckle emotional roller coaster of what mood my father will choose to be in is taking a toll on my life. It’s also very difficult to be “close to the chaos”, knowing that my mother is there but will not speak to me.

My parents are in their 70s, so in my head I live out the horror story of them dying while estranged from me. Any advice on what I should do?

– Want My Life Back

Dear Life: A very difficult but necessary part of being in a relationship with a person who suffers from addiction is accepting that you may not be able to have the kind of relationship with them that you seek while they’re in active addiction. You can do so much work on yourself, but until they are ready and willing to work on themselves – and, later, their relationships – there will always be something missing.

This isn’t to say that a relationship isn’t possible, but it will help you to adjust what you are hoping for, for your own protection.

From what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like the kind of contact you’re having with either of your parents is working for any of you. So, if you want to maintain some sort of connection, you might try changing the form of contact.

For instance, you may decide that writing them letters at regular intervals, or sending cards on meaningful days, meets some of the needs you have. Acknowledging that they can’t be the parents that you need or want doesn’t make you a bad child. But it will help you to reframe what being their child looks like.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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