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Dear Eric: My spouse and I are in our early 70s. We live close to our son and daughter-in-law, both in their 40s. They have two children who are now in college.

About two years ago (November 2024) my son cut off all contact with us. Our daughter-in-law and grandchildren are under a gag order not to talk with us or not to have any contact with us.

My spouse and I truly have no idea as to what caused this to occur as we have always been there for them, supported them in all they did, and generally enjoyed our time together. Now our relationship is over and we don't understand why.

We are looking for some advice and guidance. We can't do counseling with them as they don't acknowledge texts, phone calls, etc.

One thing that complicates this, as we get older, is that they are heirs and recipients to our property and finances. My son, when speaking with my sister/his aunt, said "I don't need his freakin' money!" Should we change our will also?

– Estranged Parents

Dear Parents: I’m sorry to read this; this is surely a confusing and deeply painful period. This kind of familial conflict can also be quite disorienting as you’re left to wonder what might have caused such a strong and severe reaction from your son.

There are support groups and books about family estrangement that might help you to process (“Rules of Estrangement” by Joshua Coleman is a popular one), but it also might be very helpful to see if your sister has or can get any insight, since it seems she is still on speaking terms with your son and has his ear.

There’s no guarantee that whatever your sister conveys will be any more illuminating to you, but since they’ve already had conversations about the potential inheritance, it’s worth finding out if he’s shared anything else with her that might help you process.

You don’t necessarily need to change your will, but it sounds like you might want to, since your son has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be the steward. You might be better off leaving your estate to a favored charity or other relatives, or both. You might even consider reassigning some assets to your grandchildren. While they won’t answer texts or calls, they might be caught in the middle here. Consider sending them a letter as a means of discussing your plans with them. They have loyalty to their father, but they are also adults and able to make their own decisions.

Dear Eric: I am a 6-foot-5-inch African American male soon to be 63 years old. As a former collegiate athlete, I have kept my athletic figure with the exception of this growing beer gut that I am fighting at the fitness center.

One of my pet peeves is ice breaker conversations from new acquaintances at a party, social, restaurant waiting to be seated, or strangers in the street that start with “How tall are you?”

I volunteer “6’5” which is always followed up by me being told that their (you fill in the blank) is also 6'5”.

On two occasions within the past six months, I have had two new acquaintances tell me about a 6’5” African American friend that the family knows and loves and he looks similar to me.

I honestly don’t believe there were bad intentions on their part. Again, I am approaching 63 years of age and find these juvenile questions such a drag especially after 47 years of being 6’5”.

I will concede that 6’5” is tall but when I look around and see so many 6’6” and taller people on the streets and playing professional sports these days my height doesn’t strike me as a huge anomaly such as it may have been 40 or 50 years ago. How would you suggest shutting down these juvenile ice-breaking conversations without coming off as a jerk?

– Right-Sized Questions

Dear Questions: You might try to circumvent the replies by saying something like “I’m 6’5” but I don’t like to talk about it,” which could discourage follow-ups.

But it might be equally helpful to try to think of these questions and comments in a slightly different light. To be frank, small talk is rarely original or engaging; often people will resort to commenting on the first relatively neutral thing they can think of. Many people think of height as neutral enough.

Understandably, you’ve grown tired of having this trait pointed out – and it likely makes you feel like you’re being labeled as slightly abnormal, even if that’s not the connotation. If you remind yourself that people are usually just searching for something to say as a means of connecting, it may reduce the irritation you feel.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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