ArcaMax

Dear Eric: What might one say (or not say) to our 28-year-old son (and brother) who is in a relationship with a 27-year-old woman about whom we (his siblings and parents) see all kinds of "red flags" with her?

After almost every interaction with her, we come away with a heavy heart. They live together, but their relationship remains undefined. She is extremely ambitious and career driven.

Any talk of marriage is off limits because that would imply she wants to "settle down and have babies," which is the last thing she wants to do. This is because she wants to go back to school, earn a Ph.D, and eventually become a college professor. Which is fine and admirable, of

course, but her self-centeredness and self-serving habits always override our son's plans or desires.

He plans to just "hang in there" with her in the hopes that someday she'll be ready to commit to marriage. Our son is handsome, funny, intelligent and hardworking, but he doesn't seem to realize his own self-worth.

We feel like he could do so much better in a life partner. I believe if we tell him we see red flags with her, he will say to us, "Oh, you don't know her the way I know her; she's a wonderful person."

But I've lived long enough to know she would be trouble for him; it's obvious to us. Do we speak up, or just let him live his life as he has currently chosen (with a strong hunch that this will not end well for him)?

– Flagging Family

Dear Family: It’s a little unclear what this woman’s actual red flags are. From your letter, it seems that your son has expressed a desire to marry but his partner doesn’t want to take that step yet. This doesn’t really suggest that she’s being selfish or self-centered. Rather, it seems they have rather normal communication challenges as a couple and would benefit from wise advice about how to talk through differing visions and reach happy compromises.

This is advice that you can likely give him, as you’ve surely encountered something similar in your own relationship and managed to navigate it.

Living together is, of course, not the same as marriage but from your description it doesn’t appear that this woman is leading your son on. Indeed, it seems that they’ve created a relationship that works for both of them but are getting a little stymied about the next step. Some of this could be related to differing definitions about what married life looks like. It might be helpful to ask your son if he knows why she sees it as akin to settling down and having kids. You might also ask him what his vision for marriage is and how it differs from what he has right now.

They have time. If the only problem is that she wants to build a more secure career before turning her focus to building a family, your family should try to support this couple so that resentment doesn’t poison the well in the future.

Dear Eric: Your advice to “Trouble in the Suburbs”, whose retirement lifestyle has been significantly diminished by the screaming children who moved in next door, was great, but you didn't mention noise-canceling headphones.

A high quality, over-the-ears set would help a lot. If the letter writer doesn't want to listen to music, he or she can simply listen to nature sounds. And in the swimming pool he or she can wear earplugs.

– Mile-High Misophonia

Dear Mile High: Yes! A great suggestion.

Dear Eric: I think you left something out of your answer to the person who doesn't like the noise coming from the children (“Trouble in the Suburbs”):

Make friends with the children, if they will make friends with you. That has always worked for me.

For 13 years, I've been forced to live in low-income, city-administrated senior housing. No one below age 55, let alone children can live here. I would give anything to be living next door to that family.

I dream of getting an apartment in an all-ages building or buying a condo or house in a family-style neighborhood. I'm probably never going to live my dream of living in an all-ages community. But your letter writer can.

– Appreciate the Gift

Dear Gift: Your perspective is shared by many. Quite a few people replied to this letter by encouraging the letter writer to see the sound of children playing as a gift and enjoy the joyful noise. Now, I will allow that some forms of play are going to sound more joyful than others, and everyone’s mileage is going to vary when it comes to seeing this kind of bright side. But it’s absolutely worth trying.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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